Tonight, after having a really productive day- something that has been rare lately- I finally feel strong enough to face one more post from this blog I had set to write, and very thoroughly avoided doing so. The post- or posts, depending on the length- about the 2 years that followed after the rape.
I type, without a rest for an hour, determined. Nothing can stop me now. I’m done hiding from my feeling, or from my past.
But at the end of the writing, this very familiar feeling overcomes me. The same feeling I have been having each time when I went over memories of THAT night.
I’m sweating, the blood rushing to my face, like I’m ashamed of something. My body is betraying me, no longer able to sustain the commands of my brain. This heavy, drowsy, sleepy feeling that makes my brain feel hazy overcomes me.
I have perfected the reactions of my body lately. I go over memories, to find the reason for how I feel, I clear it out, distract myself. I try to think reasonably and remember I’m in the present and I’m safe, with a lot of good options of the future.
But this feeling, this feeling I don’t know how to fight.
The only thing I usually do, it go to sleep, as it is usually the only thing I can do.
It almost scares me, the strength with which it swipes through my brain- what if I never get rid of it? What if something is really wrong with my brain? It’s not normal from my brain to shut down like I have drugged myself, I think. It scares me a lot more than any other aftermath of that night, because I have no clue how to control it.
How do I fight a feeling, if I can’t keep my brain awake enough to think and do so? Everything just becomes fuzzy and starts swimming in front of me, while I try to remember where I am and …I try, but the heavy feeling drowns me, and I no longer feel real. It’s just this huge wave of fog that goes through my brain, and feeling that I’m sleepy as if I have drank too much- only that I haven’t had anything more than a beer in months.
I let go of posting that post- my brain is too fuzzy to edit it anymore. I let go of trying to solve anything.
I simply, completely, and utterly, let go.