I’m traveling with the bus tonight, smiling widely, my heart overflowing with happiness. I have had a great day, devoid of the shadows of the past and filled with nice new memories. I don’t mind the gloomy tired people sitting next to me on the bus, or the cold. It’s been a while since I’ve been walking and smiling like this. Nothing can get to me. The city is dark blue, and orange from the street lights, filled with urban smells, and stressed out people, but it’s beautiful and it’s alive. Parts of my past are still here, in my family, in this city and I have dreaded them- but I’ve been stronger than them. I feel beautiful and free and strong and happy and loved. Untouchable. The air is filled with endless possibilities of great days and grand adventures in the future.
At that moment the sadness cuts through me and my heart shatters to pieces.
And I think of that moment 3 years back when that guy had his hand on my mouth and I couldn’t move however I tried. And my heart hurts, shatters.
To all of you who have been through something big and life- changing, something huge and sad that broke your heart, I’m sure you know what I mean. It’s that vague inexplicable feeling of getting sad every time you allow yourself true happiness and freedom. That feeling when you feel free, and alive, and strong and happy despite of anything, those moments when you barely remember anyone ever hurt you- those moments used to be your birthright. And then something happened- or someone- and you think you can never again let yourself feel so, because if you do, crashing on the ground next time will be much, much harder.
I’ve fought this feeling, thinking that if I refuse the sadness to overtake me, it will go away.
Instead, avoiding it closed my heart, and made me afraid of having a good time.
Stop running. May be a friend of yours died. May be you were in a car crash. May be you got your heart broken by someone you trusted. May be you lost a friend. I was raped. And I felt that exact same way, we all do when something like this happens.
Like your life was cut open, turned around. Like someone exposed you to the world and left you alone, vulnerable, betrayed, and somehow worse than you were before. And you think, if you let yourself feel sadness when you finally drag your way up to happiness again, may be you weren’t truly happy and may be you won’t ever be so.
But I think I was wrong in this.
I think it’s okay to be sad. I have lost something, when this guy attacked me all those years back. It’s okay to be sad in the midst of happiness. Doesn’t mean you aren’t happy. It means, you’re letting emotions out. Be happy. Be free. Be afraid of that, sad, heartbroken that despite all your “good sense” your heart has decided to take the fall again and be free, taking the risk of everything and nothing. Be happy. Be delirious. Cry if you feel like it, and then, let it go.
It’s natural to feel that way. Let it be. You went through something hard- be good to yourself. Be happy. Let the sadness run through you, and run out. Feel it, and let it be.
And then smile again.
Because it’s okay.
To feel, again.
To live, again.
To be happy, again.
To trust, even if you get hurt again.
Let it be.