God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
In and out. Suck it up and just do it. And and out. Just 30 more min.
What am I thinking of, you’d ask? Going to a battle? Meeting with someone I want to avoid? Breaking in a house?
Nope, nothing like that. And yet, even after these few months, this one small thing still constitutes one of the hardest things I have to do. It’s just some writing, but after months fighting with the idea that either I’m worthless or stupid to get into anything like rape, and finally getting over it, I realize I have other issues.
“I can see no way, I can see no way…”
It takes me a while to realize this, probably the first 6 months after the summer. I guess it was foolish to think that just because the rape was my biggest issue that summer it was the only or the others will resolve themselves.
Everything is hard now, it all just hurts. Yes. A problem is just a problem. Or so they say. But after 4 months of every problem being related to whether the guy living in my house will hurt me that particular night, or even worse- whether I won’t have money to pay my rent in that foreign to me city, and be left on the street to who knows what and with nothing to eat- every problem feels just as big. Continue reading