This week, I stumble upon the next step in recovery- sort of making amends part. When I broke down in the summer, I was in too bad of a state to be able to handle the work I had, which was for an internship. I had done well on that internship so far, but in the last week of it I had to finish one project, and I was too busy with PTSD, panic attacks and flashbacks, not eating and not sleeping…every time I started working on it, I broke down to pieces, because it was in my major, and it was supposed to be the thing I’m best at, but I felt like a ghost. Here’s the thing though.
I dropped the project and all of it for months. Not saying anything. Just…stopped. Figuring out how to continue breathing seemed more essential at the time.Continue reading →
“Right now, you aren’t making difference between fantasy and reality.” I look at the counselor, not so convinced.
The reality of what happened, it’s engraved in my memory, in every scar on my skin, in every night I wake from nightmares. What does she know?
That was 2 years ago, when I went to a counselor, to get help so that I wouldn’t want to drink all the time anymore. It helped, even though I never told her that the main reason that I want to drink is the broken memories I had of my rape, and trying to move on as if it never happened.
People are learned constantly that we need roots. Familiar things. That in a hard situation you have to try to contain your life in normal routine. When we get into a situation which is hard but we have no control over, we hold onto what we know, until the storm passes.
But no one tells you what do you do if the storm doesn’t pass.
Sometimes, you start the right thing for the wrong reason or for no reason at all. Sometimes in the midst of a nightmare, you find something to hold on to. In retrospect, the reason doesn’t matter. The reason has no meaning when that one thing is the one thing that keeps you holding onto life.
Until things get better. Or if they do.
It’s the past August and I have just realized, my life is falling apart. I have just graduated, I have an internship at a great place, and I’ve just recently fallen in love with the perfect person for me(we are still together and crazy for each other)- so you can see how that would come as a surprise. But when you realize that you’ve stopped caring enough to brush your teeth or hair, food has become a chore, and you cry all the time…that has to give you heads up.