As I get better and get back into having more regular days, I have less and less time to think about my recovery. Usually when I forget, it pushes back to the surface, because I have more work to do. This week comes very intense. I’ve known big changes require a lot from us sometimes, but before now, I haven’t had the energy to deal with any of it.
I still get crazy tired and stressed at the end of the days, but at least I do things now. This week is still not too productive when it comes to work, but it’s very productive in terms of getting me in good, more positive working mindset…still very stressful, but much needed.
All I know is, at the beginning of that week I’m so stressed and exhausted that I really need a change. I need a new vantage point, I need something, to push me to get through the things that are hard to think about while getting on my feet. I find nothing at first.
1. On Monday I keep reordering the house, at which point I finally give up the idea of one day getting back to drawing, and give that up for the benefit of better recovery. At least for now. I box my drawing supplies and all reminders I used to love drawing in pursuit of my life as a jewelry maker without any more guilt.
I cry like a kid, but at the end of the day I know I have made the right choice. I’m freeing space in my life for what I want now.
2. Then, I dig into old memories. Things I haven’t touched in years, from high school and earlier. That by itself deserves a whole new post, but that will be sometime later.
For brief period in high school, after being bullied in elementary school, I became shy, anti-social, with really low self-esteem, and by the end of my high-school years- very deeply unhappy with my life. So, when I went to university I made a choice, I made it a point to change. It took long long time, but from what I saw in those memories, I really changed from the grounds up. Completely. And became happy…before the abuse that is.
When I started recovery I tried to remind myself what kind of a big change that was in university, and that if I did it once, I can do it again. That is harder situation, but now I am stronger. However, the vague memory I have done it doesn’t ring true enough for that to work.
Now, digging through memories, and actual things I have written in high school, and pictures, I finally truly remember. That helps in thinking that if I have rebuild my life once, I can surely do it again.
3. And we come to today. The day before I have very intense day. To change my vantage point, I have chosen to go to a cafe with good wify, 2 floors with enough light and quiet and great view. To work there.
But, I’m meeting friends, so I decide to go another day. I get soaked wet on the way to meet them, the place we go to catches on fire and we are evacuated, and to top that my bus doesn’t run that night(because the bus stop is right in front of it). So, I stay to sleep at a friend’s place. It’s also one friend whom I have not yet told about what happened in the summer, and whom I intended to tell to, one day. I use that night as perfect opportunity.
The next morning, between watching the mix of glass and ashes on the ground where my bus stop is, and the bright sun in the early morning, I realize something in that highly unusual week has given me the right amount of motivation to make some new steps towards recovery.
Not many, but just enough.
Once I loose that rush, I’ll get to the cafe for some more inspiration, and after that…who knows.
But I’ve still found a way to move few steps forward, and that’s the important part.