Forgiveness

When I first started recovery, the whole process seemed close to impossible. It seemed I’m trying to get over the biggest most important time in my life, to get over a summer that was hell, that broke me to pieces, and left nothing behind to rebuild over. With time I learned to trust that may be I can get better, overcome it slowly. But it was always about changing myself, it was always about moving so much that I’ll never have time to feel that kind of hopeless, helpless pain of being caught in something over which I have no control and no option of doing anything to change it.

I was trying to overcome the idea of rape and all the other things that happened during this summer. I was never trying to make the summer seem just a bigger moment, because it wasn’t. I was never trying to see the guy as anything but monster, because I couldn’t even think that I will ever be able to do that. Forgiving him was never in the cards. I broke down, went through and started getting over the rape part. But I never intended to think about  him ever again.

But recovery has it’s own timeline and rules, and you never see them until you reach a new step.  Continue reading

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Why trauma cheats you out of your own recovery?

So as I have been getting better, I’ve finally, mostly regained my ability to work 8 hours and even enjoy it (okay, that one depends on the day). So I have been leaving very little time for blogging, which wasn’t such a good idea. Suddenly, I feel overwhelmed and sad. I feel again constantly tired and busy, I get irritable. I often break and eat chips or sweet things- way too much of them. ..and then recently, I suddenly find out why. Or one of the reasons anyway. Continue reading

Why I didn’t report?

For 2 years, before I was ready to talk about my rape, I avoided anything around the word rape, as if my mind would explode at the slightest idea of it. So I didn’t much get to think about why I didn’t report it- and I didn’t get questioned about it, since I didn’t tell anyone the truth about what had happened.

From the people I chose to share that with in the past months, I got that questioned few times, and carefully, creatively, talked around it. Answered it without really answering it. Not because I didn’t want to answer, but because I didn’t know the answer even for myself yet.

For weeks now, I journaled less and less and blogged less and less- the more things I was getting back in my life, the less I thought about my recovery. And every once in a while, it came back to bite me- being sad on a day where everything was going perfectly okay, being overly emotional, not sleeping well again, having nightmares. A lot less severe than 6 months ago, but they still prevented me from getting rest. I knew I have more work to do to fully recover, but I was so glad to be feeling good again, that I postponed it over and over.

But it’s time. So here I am. I started reading about rape and recovery again, and the topic just popped at me, so I think I’m ready to answer now.

So why didn’t I report? I didn’t report it to survive.

Want the long answer? Here it goes. Continue reading

Recovery Updates: New Year’s Push and Pull

Yes, I know.

I haven’t been around lately. Well, for me, that has been quite a vacation. I would guess for most people the celebrations at the end of the year are one of 2 things-a chance to rest and have proper vacation or a stressful week where they have to worry about meeting family they aren’t close to or be completely alone knowing that everyone else is out celebrating in some form.

For me, it was neither. It was a strange resting point in the middle of the turmoil of that past half year. Continue reading