Letting go

Tonight, after having a really productive day- something that has been rare lately- I finally feel strong enough to face one more post from this blog I had set to write, and very thoroughly avoided doing so. The post- or posts, depending on the length- about the 2 years that followed after the rape.

I type, without a rest for an hour, determined. Nothing can stop me now. I’m done hiding from my feeling, or from my past.

But at the end of the writing, this very familiar feeling overcomes me. The same feeling I have been having each time when I went over memories of THAT night.

I’m sweating, the blood rushing to my face, like I’m ashamed of something. My body is betraying me, no longer able to sustain the commands of my brain. This heavy, drowsy, sleepy feeling that makes my brain feel hazy overcomes me.

I have perfected the reactions of my body lately. I go over memories, to find the reason for how I feel, I clear it out, distract myself. I try to think reasonably and remember I’m in the present and I’m safe, with a lot of good options of the future.

But this feeling, this feeling I don’t know how to fight.

The only thing I usually do, it go to sleep, as it is usually the only thing I can do.

It almost scares me, the strength with which it swipes through my brain- what if I never get rid of it? What if something is really wrong with my brain? It’s not normal from my brain to shut down like I have drugged myself, I think. It scares me a lot more than any other aftermath of that night, because I have no clue how to control it.

How do I fight a feeling, if I can’t keep my brain awake enough to think and do so? Everything just becomes fuzzy and starts swimming in front of me, while I try to remember where I am and …I try, but the heavy feeling drowns me, and I no longer feel real. It’s just this huge wave of fog that goes through my brain, and feeling that I’m sleepy as if I have drank too much- only that I haven’t had anything more than a beer in months.

I let go of posting that post- my brain is too fuzzy to edit it anymore. I let go of trying to solve anything.

I simply, completely, and utterly, let go.

Until tomorrow.

 

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5 thoughts on “Letting go

  1. this is PTSD and your body and minds way of telling you it is ready to deal with it. you can’t control it or drown it out. dealing with it is the only way to get free. xo

    • yeah but…sleeping so much doesn’t seem like good way to deal with it :(. I have been having many really good moments lately, and some bad enough to even them out…it’s very lonely feeling. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I know to continue living I need to let this new stranger inside of me live, and let go of the past, but it’s harder than I ever thought it would be. 😦 Miss writing here. Not that anything stopped me, but I have been so wrapped up in trying to find a way to live…but it seem, this blog is like my release valve, otherwise moving forward gets tangled in all the memories piling in me. I’m sorry, that’s rambling…having a kind of busy day, busier than I have had in a while, and I can only wish I don’t break down.

      • i’m sorry you’re hurting so bad. i think you already have broken down. i know i have probably said it before but you really need to get some help. this will not go away on it’s own, you can’t just pull yourself together. you have been severely traumatized and it will only get worse without some sort of help. thinking of you.

  2. This is great release. Keep writing.

  3. I know…but as current situation is, my support group of close people and ranting online is about all the help I can get. At least until I have more money than I need to pay my bills. All I can do for now is manage on my own as best as I can. I broke down for few days, true, but I’m back on track, stronger. I always bounce back. I’ll managed this too. xo

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