Deep Water

For weeks at a time lately, I have proudly acknowledged every tiny progress I have made in my recovery. Mostly because it reminded me of where I want to go.

Since my last post? Well, I apologized to a friend with which we had falling out since the time I was dealing with the rape(which she doesn’t know about, of course). I did a little work, like, 2 hours of actual work. I studied a bit Spanish, did concentration exercises, meditated and painted my nails. I journal-ed, blogged, read part of a novel, a magazine, and some of a really good book about recovery from rape. I wrote few pages of a new story. I caught up on few emails to friends. Yes, these are tiny things to do in 48 hours, but still, I felt nice and balanced for making good progress.

While I was feeling that I’m setting aside too much time for recovery and guilty to a point of breaking for all the things I didn’t do, I haven’t managed to do a lot. The guilt was too much, and it started eating away at me.

And so I let it go for the benefit of trying to be healthy and take recovery at my own pace. And one simple email reminds me that while I have lived in my own world concentrating on small fights and forgetting there is a world outside moving at a lot quicker pace. Continue reading

The Anatomy of Fractured Souls

I meet a friend recently, who saw my statuses in facebook and somehow managed to understand that I wasn’t okay. I had promised her we will talk in person.

I’m not sure yet if I want to tell her, so I leave it up to feeling.

Deep breath.

We talk long about things, going around the issue. She has heard enough to be aware that something big has happened and I’m struggling going through it.

“I don’t care what it is, ” she tells me.“And whether you will tell me now, or in a year, or in two. All I care is for you to be good and happy. It doesn’t matter what happened. It was in the past, leave it there. It’s over. Do now what will make you happy.”

I look at her for a second, making sure what I will say will be the right thing. Something in her tone tells me she rather doesn’t want to know what happened to me. I can’t blame her. I don’t want to know.

Continue reading

About breakthroughs and all that

This post I won’t add a positive thing for the day, because the whole post is about positive change. While I’m still weary about not recovering as fast as I’d wish to, I do have 2  pretty big realizations this week.

Sometimes in life, we have to work towards realizations, but sometimes they just fall upon us. So these 2, just came to me. Ok, no, I would like to think I have earned them. I have spend 4 months going over details of my past, I would rather not relive. I relived them, thought over them, and fried in my own special hell in efforts to reinvent my life.

So here I am today, with some good progress on the horizon, finally. Continue reading