About Mothers and Honesty pt.2

So as I said in Mothers and Honesty pt. 1 , that fall while I was getting over the SA, me and my mom kept having fights; all the time.

At certain point it’s so often, that I forget that I always felt lucky about my parents. I forget that my mom raised me to be her friend and tell her honestly things whatever they are. I forget that just because they have had a rough life doesn’t mean I have to protect them from the bad sides of mine. Somewhere between trying to protect my family from everything bad that ever happened to me, and my own inability to handle the rough patch that I am going through, I forget how to be honest with my mom.

But there’s nothing like SA to give you the sense that you have to protect yourself – at all cost.

Having had that happen from someone you trust gives you the uncontrollable feeling that you don’t know whom you can trust with what anymore. If protecting yourself means being a little distant from your family-so what? If it means somehow getting colder and distant with your friends and never truly letting them in – then that’s what you have to do. It’s not a conscious thought of course. But that is what you do.

And after a while, I stop remembering why I’m fighting with my mom.

I just get angry.

*

All that was 3 years ago. By any counting, I thought it doesn’t matter. After I went back to university, and I got back to my regular life, we slowly stopped fighting as often. Since then, I always felt that we lost some part of the closeness we had. I told myself that it was okay. Sometimes you grow apart with your friends, or your parents. It’s not like there’s anything I can do about it, I told myself, so I have to just get used to it.

I was never quite as honest again. I started not telling my mom what I buy with my money because I thought she would judge. I stopped telling her when I had bigger problem, because I was afraid that adding to their problems would be too much – for her and for me. Sometimes, I vaguely regretted how things were, but the most part I was pretty content with just letting the subject go.

And then I came to this stage of recovery.

There wasn’t any big revelation about it or anything such. It’s not like in movies. For the most part, I don’t think I considered much what I’d say or how. Continue reading

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Recovery Updates: Ghost

“Some folks put the bottle down
The day they wake up on the ground
I never drank much but I know how it feels to drown
Trouble out ” -Sweet Talk Radio, Lovesick

Lately, I have been doing a lot better…I think.

I’ve been working, writing, drawing again, trying to do more things, feeling really great most of the time.

But I keep feeling something is wrong…I mean besides the part where I am not making enough money yet, and I gained some weight. But regardless, compared to last year, I am doing incredible. The nightmares have shrunk to one every once in a while. Mostly, I function normally and don’t dwell on the past constantly. Am I that shortsighted, that I’ve already forgotten how last year was, that I have already forgotten all I should be grateful for?

I haven’t, I think.

But there is something missing that I can sense very clearly, and it digs at me.

I can’t claim being constantly in pain anymore, or being unable to concentrate. I have developed some faith slowly during this year, so that isn’t it either. Things are starting to fall in place, even as slow as they have. But there is something, the lack of something. I think that may be I lack the intensity of feeling I had before, but that is neither here nor there.

Truth is, I am still living like I am a ghost, unable to have any impact on my own life. Continue reading

The Illusion of Control pt.2

In the last post I told you about where trying to regain ALL control led me.

Now, after a long talk with my partner and a lot of thinking, I start to realize the duality in what I’ve been trying to do.

I have been trying to accept that I have made a mistake- hurricane sized mistake- and I am living in the twisted aftermath of trying to fix it and constantly failing. I keep living with that sense that all in my life is consequential of what I do. That the rape wouldn’t have happened if I’d done things differently. That I could have made more money if I just pushed myself a bit more. That I could finish my BA degree in a very small city and at the same time get enough money to pay off my debts. I’ve accepted that I did everything wrong and for 2 years I wrecked my brain trying to fix it.

The truth is, we don’t have full control over everything.

You can’t stop airplane crash, or predict that it will happen. Even if you do everything right, even if you go to self defense classes, never walk alone in the dark and all that, you can’t always prevent an attack. There will always be someone stronger. And even if you are fully certain in a job and take out loans, the economy can crash, you can get fired, and your security is done.

That seemed like a depressing thought.

I thought, that is awful, scary. That means, it makes no difference what you do. Bad things can still happen.┬áIt doesn’t matter if you are bigger, stronger, smarter, have more money. Your life can fall apart in a minute. Continue reading

The Illusion of Control pt.1

Every since SA happened to me, I have become obsessed with control.

Having always been a free spirit, and artist, and perhaps a little unreliable, this somehow came as a shock.

Suddenly, I had to calculate every move I make, every cent I spend, everything I do. I had this deadly need to organize every minute of my time- and the feeling that if I didn’t, something bad would happen, and my life would fall apart again. Needless to say, the more I tried to apply control over things I had no control over, the bigger mess my life became. And the less control I had.

Until at certain point I let go- fully and utterly let go of trying to have any impact on anything. It was too hard.

Now, in the aftermath of having spend the last year trying to rebuild my life, I have been trying to regain that control. Continue reading