About Mothers and Honesty pt.2

So as I said in Mothers and Honesty pt. 1 , that fall while I was getting over the SA, me and my mom kept having fights; all the time.

At certain point it’s so often, that I forget that I always felt lucky about my parents. I forget that my mom raised me to be her friend and tell her honestly things whatever they are. I forget that just because they have had a rough life doesn’t mean I have to protect them from the bad sides of mine. Somewhere between trying to protect my family from everything bad that ever happened to me, and my own inability to handle the rough patch that I am going through, I forget how to be honest with my mom.

But there’s nothing like SA to give you the sense that you have to protect yourself – at all cost.

Having had that happen from someone you trust gives you the uncontrollable feeling that you don’t know whom you can trust with what anymore. If protecting yourself means being a little distant from your family-so what? If it means somehow getting colder and distant with your friends and never truly letting them in – then that’s what you have to do. It’s not a conscious thought of course. But that is what you do.

And after a while, I stop remembering why I’m fighting with my mom.

I just get angry.

*

All that was 3 years ago. By any counting, I thought it doesn’t matter. After I went back to university, and I got back to my regular life, we slowly stopped fighting as often. Since then, I always felt that we lost some part of the closeness we had. I told myself that it was okay. Sometimes you grow apart with your friends, or your parents. It’s not like there’s anything I can do about it, I told myself, so I have to just get used to it.

I was never quite as honest again. I started not telling my mom what I buy with my money because I thought she would judge. I stopped telling her when I had bigger problem, because I was afraid that adding to their problems would be too much – for her and for me. Sometimes, I vaguely regretted how things were, but the most part I was pretty content with just letting the subject go.

And then I came to this stage of recovery.

There wasn’t any big revelation about it or anything such. It’s not like in movies. For the most part, I don’t think I considered much what I’d say or how. Continue reading

One step forward, two steps back

For couple of weeks during the summer, full of a lot of work, it finally comes down on me- the life I chose, the things I’ve been through…. I’m not completely sure why I’m going back to that, but after these couple of weeks I end up completely drained. I have no more power to fight it. The harder we run from something, the stronger it comes to hunt us, and I have never ran from something as much, my entire life. And so, I come down to dealing with it. Between panic attacks, flashbacks, crying, depression, ptsd, lots and lots of talking and thinking and taking walks, I lose myself, more then ever. I lose sight of whom or what I’m doing this for, or whether I moving forward. I lose a sight of ever being in another situation.

Sometimes I have the feeling I am moving forward, and sometimes, I’m simply drowning. I lose sight of the shore…which, as they tell me is a good thing. And so it all comes to this week, these days, when one morning I look out of the window and I realize that the fall is coming. I have lived through the summer, and my nightmares. I have work piled up to my ears. And all I can think of is: when did it become fall?

I have been so focused on getting through the days, that I have missed when the seasons changed. And most of the days I have this familiar, yet foreign feeling, that I’m not sure if I’m going forward or backwards. Even if you don’t have that literal meaning in you- you have to accept and get through your past, to move forward- I keep taking steps, and sliding backwards every once in a while. But unlike in theory, where math shows you that 2 steps backwards, and one step forward should equate to being one step back after all, life’s calculations aren’t exactly such.

Because in life, the real true fact that matters is which are the steps taken. Sure, I spend another 2 hours trying to create something for my business, only to break down again, and let go for the night. I did create one thing though. That’s a start. Yesterday, I mostly didn’t have such a great day- I had another flashback, which led to a short breakdown on my part. I also did not finish the work I had for the day- 2 steps back.

Meanwhile however, I met with one of my best friends. I had recently told her the truth about my rape, and spend few half-awkward half-nice meetings with her. In the past 2 years, between my not-talking about anything while I was in denial, and us often being in different countries, we lost touch a lot, and even though meeting occasionally was still the same, I missed the day to day deep talks we used to have. Now, few meetings where we talked about random stuff happening to us, and I was somewhat telling her the hell I was going through, we are finally back. Back to being the kind of friends that can talk every day and always have what to say. If I feel bad I don’t have to lie to her anymore. But we can also talk about nothing and everything. We are back to being as close as we were.

So, in the math of life, I think I have gained. Sure, another somewhat fruitless day, and memories I’d rather not have. But the times are this way. I’ve been having such days for months. And despite all, I think I will be out of them soon. But on the way, what is a missed day, compared to having gained back my best friend? That’s priceless.