Why trauma cheats you out of your own recovery?

So as I have been getting better, I’ve finally, mostly regained my ability to work 8 hours and even enjoy it (okay, that one depends on the day). So I have been leaving very little time for blogging, which wasn’t such a good idea. Suddenly, I feel overwhelmed and sad. I feel again constantly tired and busy, I get irritable. I often break and eat chips or sweet things- way too much of them. ..and then recently, I suddenly find out why. Or one of the reasons anyway. Continue reading

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Why I didn’t report?

For 2 years, before I was ready to talk about my rape, I avoided anything around the word rape, as if my mind would explode at the slightest idea of it. So I didn’t much get to think about why I didn’t report it- and I didn’t get questioned about it, since I didn’t tell anyone the truth about what had happened.

From the people I chose to share that with in the past months, I got that questioned few times, and carefully, creatively, talked around it. Answered it without really answering it. Not because I didn’t want to answer, but because I didn’t know the answer even for myself yet.

For weeks now, I journaled less and less and blogged less and less- the more things I was getting back in my life, the less I thought about my recovery. And every once in a while, it came back to bite me- being sad on a day where everything was going perfectly okay, being overly emotional, not sleeping well again, having nightmares. A lot less severe than 6 months ago, but they still prevented me from getting rest. I knew I have more work to do to fully recover, but I was so glad to be feeling good again, that I postponed it over and over.

But it’s time. So here I am. I started reading about rape and recovery again, and the topic just popped at me, so I think I’m ready to answer now.

So why didn’t I report? I didn’t report it to survive.

Want the long answer? Here it goes. Continue reading

Lessons Unlearned pt.1

Note: That may be triggering, but I’m not sure. I may have to write it in 2 posts, so the first 1 may be okay.

For that summer, I am like a person with no learning curve at all. Every time I try something- finding job, getting better- something happens and I’m back down again.

I have no memory of that night at all, besides the beginning and the end, and I push that out of my mind in pursuit of finding a job and keeping my sanity at the same time. I’m like a broken clock, I remember and then forget again, and find good ways to explain all strange things and black holes in my memory.

There is no such luck.

Nevertheless, I keep looking. And somehow keep resenting that guy from my house, and avoiding him, and feeling stupid for not being able to pinpoint why I feel this way. The strange bruises fade and I very successfully manage not to think where they had come from. I put the clothes I was wearing then in a bag, and stash them away, so I don’t think about what happened to the zipper. Out of sight- out of mind. Continue reading

Recovery Updates : Vantage Point

As I get better and get back into having more regular days, I  have less and less time to think about my recovery. Usually when I forget, it pushes back to the surface, because I have more work to do. This week comes very intense. I’ve known big changes require a lot from us sometimes, but before now, I haven’t had the energy to deal with any of it.

I still get crazy tired and stressed at the end of the days, but at least I do things now. This week is still not too productive when it comes to work, but it’s very productive in terms of getting me in good, more positive working mindset…still very stressful, but much needed.

All I know is, at the beginning of that week I’m so stressed and exhausted that I really need a change. I need a new vantage point, I need something, to push me to get through the things that are hard to think about while getting on my feet. I find nothing at first. Continue reading

One lovely blog award and very inspiring blogger award

This was send to me by PTSD-No Fear In Love, thank you so much, Jess! I have another award, much overdue for the same reason that Jess mentioned- wasn’t sure if I was meant to wait for something more to happen. So I guess soon I will have to do one more such post:).

Nomination for One Lovely Blog + very inspiring Blogger Award.

That, especially being a new blogger, means a lot to me.

Now, that I finally have time to write the post about it, here it goes. Continue reading

About breakthroughs and all that

This post I won’t add a positive thing for the day, because the whole post is about positive change. While I’m still weary about not recovering as fast as I’d wish to, I do have 2  pretty big realizations this week.

Sometimes in life, we have to work towards realizations, but sometimes they just fall upon us. So these 2, just came to me. Ok, no, I would like to think I have earned them. I have spend 4 months going over details of my past, I would rather not relive. I relived them, thought over them, and fried in my own special hell in efforts to reinvent my life.

So here I am today, with some good progress on the horizon, finally. Continue reading