The Illusion of Control pt.1

Every since SA happened to me, I have become obsessed with control.

Having always been a free spirit, and artist, and perhaps a little unreliable, this somehow came as a shock.

Suddenly, I had to calculate every move I make, every cent I spend, everything I do. I had this deadly need to organize every minute of my time- and the feeling that if I didn’t, something bad would happen, and my life would fall apart again. Needless to say, the more I tried to apply control over things I had no control over, the bigger mess my life became. And the less control I had.

Until at certain point I let go- fully and utterly let go of trying to have any impact on anything. It was too hard.

Now, in the aftermath of having spend the last year trying to rebuild my life, I have been trying to regain that control. Continue reading


Why I didn’t report?

For 2 years, before I was ready to talk about my rape, I avoided anything around the word rape, as if my mind would explode at the slightest idea of it. So I didn’t much get to think about why I didn’t report it- and I didn’t get questioned about it, since I didn’t tell anyone the truth about what had happened.

From the people I chose to share that with in the past months, I got that questioned few times, and carefully, creatively, talked around it. Answered it without really answering it. Not because I didn’t want to answer, but because I didn’t know the answer even for myself yet.

For weeks now, I journaled less and less and blogged less and less- the more things I was getting back in my life, the less I thought about my recovery. And every once in a while, it came back to bite me- being sad on a day where everything was going perfectly okay, being overly emotional, not sleeping well again, having nightmares. A lot less severe than 6 months ago, but they still prevented me from getting rest. I knew I have more work to do to fully recover, but I was so glad to be feeling good again, that IĀ postponedĀ it over and over.

But it’s time. So here I am. I started reading about rape and recovery again, and the topic just popped at me, so I think I’m ready to answer now.

So why didn’t I report? I didn’t report it to survive.

Want the long answer? Here it goes. Continue reading

About control and the love of blogging

Once I was trying to recover from my assault, I was faced with the absence of control over my own life. Not so sure whether that came about because in one summer I had faced seeing things I had only seen in movies before- death, addiction, homeless people, or trying to help a friend who was an addict, or losing a job and finding dead ends everywhere I looked for a new one, or being raped. Perhaps it was a combination of all these.

I used to be one of these people that are always sure what they want. Even if it turns out wrong. It never stopped me from finding something new and jumping into it with both feet.
Now, I was suddenly out of control. I felt like someone had just taken my life and thrown it away. I couldn’t keep my emotions intact long enough to study for my classes, or understand my feelings about guys anymore. I had loans to return over my head so I lost sense of my finances as well.
And before I knew how I got there, I had the feeling projects are unending and made to torture me, no workout was going to make a difference, no effort would fix my finances. Like I had frozen in time, unable to believe anything had impact. Mostly because I had given all my effort in everything that summer, and it had produced zero effect. It hadn’t stopped me. Not at first. It didn’t stop me until months and months had passed and I was so burned out, the smallest effort felt like it would burn me from the inside out if I even attempted change.

As I started attempting recovery in the past 6-8 weeks, I understood that for many people after trauma, there was feeling of lack of control involved. I guess in a way going through something so life-changing without having any control over it makes you feel like you have no control over anything else.
So what you can do is do certain small things that have impact right away and can help you gain that sense of control. Possible things to try suggested were playing computer games(instant moving to another level once you pass one), answering emails and small chores and such. The chores were too easy to make impact. I was too worried about my work for games to keep my attention long enough.
My solution turned out to be blogging. I loved creating this blog, because I wanted to vent, but it also became a safe place for me, where I knew there were other people who have been through the same, sharing their stories and supporting each other.
But most recently I found another benefit of posting here. The stats page. Not only was I happy every time I saw new comment, like, or follower in my notifications, but I felt new sense of control and result of efforts in it. I saw the direct correlation of the days in which I commented on other blogs, and posted myself, and having more views, and the days in which I barely stopped by and there were a lot less views. It made me feel like my effort- even effort I was enjoying and needing- made direct result, and that made me want to try, just a little more, in all those things I gave up.
How do you regain sense of control over your life after a trauma?