Recovery Reflections: Going in Circle and Change

It’s been more often than not, in the past, that I take my recovery as some sort of a disease that I have to heal.

That sort of sense, the one that I am not full, not complete, not a regular human being unless I get rid of my past, it never quite goes away. It never will, I suppose, until I change how I look at it. It eases off at times when my life is going great, and then rears it’s ugly head the moment something goes wrong. I’m tough on myself, tougher than anyone else. If anyone else treated me that way, they would no longer be in my life. I try to change that, but at times of higher stress it appears again.

Lately, I go back and forth.

Yes, life has ups and downs, but we manage.

Lately however, I feel like a leaf being carried in different directions. I go up, I go down. I try to improve my life, I make leaps forward…then I fall into deeper fits of stress and depression then before. I improve, I regress. I have moments of high success and moments where I’m really close to destroying all progress. They come and go, really close together. Sometimes I think that’s just a more convoluted way of progress, of ultimately going in positive direction. Sometimes I wonder if that’s progress at all.

I realize lately, that I can’t be sure.

I can’t be sure that all the PTSD effect in my life will ever be fully gone. Or my anxiety. But perhaps, it can be managed in a way that I can be okay with. That I can have what I want to have in my life, even as I am managing this.

It’s a new thought, and it might be another step towards healing.

Maybe, it’s not about beating this. Or leaving it behind. It happened, and it affects me, period. I’m only human. People wallow over breakups and daily things, is it really that much of a surprise that I’m still affected by this? Perhaps the truly human, healing thing to do, would be for me to accept myself, as I am. Right now. With my past, with the aftermath, with all the invisible ways it intertwines with my life.

May be, I should stop feeling so shocked and out of balance each time I’m doing great and I get triggered.

That has thrown me out of balance so many times. I’m doing good, and then I get triggered by something, I spend time managing that, and lose track of my current affairs in the present. I feel shocked and betrayed, like my body and my mind let me down again: I was doing so well, I think, so why, WHY now? Again? I put so much effort, and I was doing so good, so WHY? I take the time to do what I need to do to get better, and I constantly feel guilty, and beat myself over it, like it’s such a new concept.

And then, then I lose time, I suppose. I slide back into fighting with myself, trying to win over my “weaknesses” and feeling bad that they are there. I repeat the same mistakes. I don’t want to deal with this- who does? But like most bigger problems in life, this has to be managed, or it only gets worse. And I doom myself, to do the same thing, over and over.

Don’t get me wrong- I’ve done so MANY things since the last time I wrote on here.

And yet, reading my last blog, I see how remarkably little I have changed since November. Reading that post, it feels like I’ve written it down a month ago. My life has changed so little since then, although I was determined to make a change. Every realization I’ve had in it, I get to “realize” it over and over again, doomed to repeat the same mistake. I’m too afraid of everything to truly make use of those realization. I close in myself at the slightest sign of danger, and I forget any progress made. The threat is more real that my unclear hopes of being better at this.

And so I freeze in time.

I’m here, I’m breathing. I get up in the morning. I work, I workout, I see friends. But I put off and put off the things that I need to do to improve my life. I take a step forward, and the retreat even further within myself. I read that blog, a blog I wrote in November. Things have changed,….and yet, they are so remarkably the same. Are they that way for the whole year? How long has it been since I made big, real changes that stuck, rather than baby steps and quarter steps? It’s like I’ve frozen in time. Each time I’m close to a breakthrough I’m too scared. This is the time in movies when someone realizes this, and everything changes. But this isn’t a movie. I don’t know if I can change everything, or simply even “a LOT”. All I know is, it’s sort of scary to look at something you wrote months ago, and realize it’s the same resolution that you made few weeks ago, and a year ago. That with all that has changed, really, very little has.

It’s a very human thing, I realize that.

Everyone has something they are dealing with. Their past, or present. Physical disease, or a mental such. Shock. Loss. It’s very human. We stumble through life, and try to be better at it. Lately, I’m struggling with anxiety again, and it sort of caught me off guard. I kept thinking: I was doing so well, so why now? But if I wrote something months ago, with resolution to change, and when I really haven’t…how much was I actually doing good?

MAY be, this level of anxiety and panic is supposed to tell me something. To snap me out of just floating through few more months.

To set me straight, to remind me of what I wanted to do before I retreated so much. And so, here I am again. Writing. Hoping, that 5 months from now, I won’t look back and think that my life hasn’t changed at all.

I want things to change.

And may be, I’m finally ready.

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