The Big R – for rape…and resilience

A while ago, as I watched one of the shows I like to follow- the Big C- I start thinking about definitions. The things that people know or don’t about us that shape who we are, who we become. The things that we have no control over, that just get attached to us and shape parts of us.

Like cancer. Traumatic incidents. Loosing a person you are really close to. Becoming an addict. Being homeless. Diseases. Heartbreaks.

Rape.

When I first started telling some of my friends about what happened to me, I feel like I have peeled off all my skin and then went out- exposed, sensitive. As if I had what happen written on my forehead. For the most part, I was wrong. My friends didn’t see me differently- they just saw that I was going through hard time and needed them. Continue reading

Bittersweet Symphony: About making amends and other things

The past week, for a first time, I’m not as drained as lately, and I don’t feel the need to go to bed all the time. The feeling is partly-uplifting, and partly bothering me, and for a while, I do not understand the bothering part. This is the moment I have waited for, for so long- why do I feel more free-falling then inspired?

It takes me a while to get that this is just as hard part of this transitioning part of my life as going through the past. I do finally have the energy to take some control of the situation- something I have craved for a while now- but I also am afraid. I am not anymore afraid of the future- if anything, I have a lot to look forward to. I’m afraid of the now. Continue reading