About control and the love of blogging

Once I was trying to recover from my assault, I was faced with the absence of control over my own life. Not so sure whether that came about because in one summer I had faced seeing things I had only seen in movies before- death, addiction, homeless people, or trying to help a friend who was an addict, or losing a job and finding dead ends everywhere I looked for a new one, or being raped. Perhaps it was a combination of all these.

I used to be one of these people that are always sure what they want. Even if it turns out wrong. It never stopped me from finding something new and jumping into it with both feet.
Now, I was suddenly out of control. I felt like someone had just taken my life and thrown it away. I couldn’t keep my emotions intact long enough to study for my classes, or understand my feelings about guys anymore. I had loans to return over my head so I lost sense of my finances as well.
And before I knew how I got there, I had the feeling projects are unending and made to torture me, no workout was going to make a difference, no effort would fix my finances. Like I had frozen in time, unable to believe anything had impact. Mostly because I had given all my effort in everything that summer, and it had produced zero effect. It hadn’t stopped me. Not at first. It didn’t stop me until months and months had passed and I was so burned out, the smallest effort felt like it would burn me from the inside out if I even attempted change.

As I started attempting recovery in the past 6-8 weeks, I understood that for many people after trauma, there was feeling of lack of control involved. I guess in a way going through something so life-changing without having any control over it makes you feel like you have no control over anything else.
So what you can do is do certain small things that have impact right away and can help you gain that sense of control. Possible things to try suggested were playing computer games(instant moving to another level once you pass one), answering emails and small chores and such. The chores were too easy to make impact. I was too worried about my work for games to keep my attention long enough.
My solution turned out to be blogging. I loved creating this blog, because I wanted to vent, but it also became a safe place for me, where I knew there were other people who have been through the same, sharing their stories and supporting each other.
But most recently I found another benefit of posting here. The stats page. Not only was I happy every time I saw new comment, like, or follower in my notifications, but I felt new sense of control and result of efforts in it. I saw the direct correlation of the days in which I commented on other blogs, and posted myself, and having more views, and the days in which I barely stopped by and there were a lot less views. It made me feel like my effort- even effort I was enjoying and needing- made direct result, and that made me want to try, just a little more, in all those things I gave up.
How do you regain sense of control over your life after a trauma?

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Of Gods and Ghosts

Despite all my good intentions I spend another day in bed, trying to get myself to work. Occasionally doing something.
Telling myself, that I’m just about to start.
Telling myself that everything will be okay.
Telling myself that I can’t be later than I already am, that I can’t make things worse.
Telling myself, from tomorrow.
I will be who I want to be from tomorrow. I will put the needed effort in from tomorrow. I won’t think of the past from tomorrow. I won’t let it affect me anymore.
I’ve been living in that lie for the past month. Continue reading