Every since SA happened to me, I have become obsessed with control.
Having always been a free spirit, and artist, and perhaps a little unreliable, this somehow came as a shock.
Suddenly, I had to calculate every move I make, every cent I spend, everything I do. I had this deadly need to organize every minute of my time- and the feeling that if I didn’t, something bad would happen, and my life would fall apart again. Needless to say, the more I tried to apply control over things I had no control over, the bigger mess my life became. And the less control I had.
Until at certain point I let go- fully and utterly let go of trying to have any impact on anything. It was too hard.
Now, in the aftermath of having spend the last year trying to rebuild my life, I have been trying to regain that control. Continue reading