Recovery Updates: Ghost

“Some folks put the bottle down
The day they wake up on the ground
I never drank much but I know how it feels to drown
Trouble out ” -Sweet Talk Radio, Lovesick

Lately, I have been doing a lot better…I think.

I’ve been working, writing, drawing again, trying to do more things, feeling really great most of the time.

But I keep feeling something is wrong…I mean besides the part where I am not making enough money yet, and I gained some weight. But regardless, compared to last year, I am doing incredible. The nightmares have shrunk to one every once in a while. Mostly, I function normally and don’t dwell on the past constantly. Am I that shortsighted, that I’ve already forgotten how last year was, that I have already forgotten all I should be grateful for?

I haven’t, I think.

But there is something missing that I can sense very clearly, and it digs at me.

I can’t claim being constantly in pain anymore, or being unable to concentrate. I have developed some faith slowly during this year, so that isn’t it either. Things are starting to fall in place, even as slow as they have. But there is something, the lack of something. I think that may be I lack the intensity of feeling I had before, but that is neither here nor there.

Truth is, I am still living like I am a ghost, unable to have any impact on my own life. Continue reading