Of Gods and Ghosts pt. 2

“I’m not God. I’m not all powerful. I can’t win in every situation.

But I’m a HUMAN, and I do have a choice.”

I’ve spent the good part of the last 2 years, trying to redeem myself and gather the pieces of what was once my life. The first time when I wrote post with that name, it was close to 2 years ago, one of the first posts I had on here. And now it’s 2 years later. So much has changed. So much hasn’t. The base of that first post was feeling like a ghost- feeling like I had opportunities, I had a choice, yet I couldn’t live the life I wanted. I was watching from the sides, broken, terrified that fighting for the life I want, I will lose the dream, I will lose my last hope, and that will be the end. When you barely have the will to get out of bed, life force, energy, hope, it’s one of the most important things. It’s not much of a life I’m living, hiding in bed while people actually experience things- but it’s all I have left. After having poured all energy, money and everything else I had into a project, just to end up not only losing the money, but having to gather myself and survive all sorts of bad situations, I don’t have it in me to make a single step towards my dream.

fallen3_1680x1050-750x400

click image for source

(2 years ago)

I’m a Ghost.

I don’t live, I exist, and I even do that at the bare minimum. For a while anyway.

My dreams have shrunk too. I don’t have it in me to dream big anymore. I just want a way out of the nightmare I somehow got myself into. I can’t make a step forward, because it will kill me, that I’m certain of. I don’t have it in me to get through disappointment anymore. I don’t have it in me to fight. I’m helpless, immobile, soulless. I feel like I’ve lost everything that constitutes me being human, but I hold on. I hold on for no other reason, than the fact I’ve done it for a long time. I’m weaker, more tired.

I can’t take a step forward. I can’t take half a step. Even a quarter.

So I break down what I do into the most ridiculous tiny pieces just so that I keep going. Even getting through those pieces takes forever. I take 2 hours to get ready for my day at my internship, and cry in my lunch break. I eat junk, watch endless TV, and stop giving a damn about everything. I don’t eat, or overeat. Getting out of bed is an issue. My last project for university is done over the span of 5 months, even though I could have been done in 1 month. Sometimes working on it for 15 min, takes me 2 days of torturing myself to get started. My past is filling my nights with nightmares, and it’s entirely too unsettling. I’ve spend a good amount of years avoiding dealing with things, being “content” with being miserable a lot of the time. My solution to bad things is to run. To just go somewhere else and reinvent myself, into someone I like. I perfect that and it works, for a while. But the ghosts in your closet always catch up with you. I am who I am. Putting a lifetime of change in between of being a helpless kid, and me today, it doesn’t make it go away. Strip away the changes, the people, and all the regular parts of my life, and it’s still there, underneath. It took for my life to break apart for me to see that. Continue reading

Advertisements

Recovery Updates: Ghost

“Some folks put the bottle down
The day they wake up on the ground
I never drank much but I know how it feels to drown
Trouble out ” -Sweet Talk Radio, Lovesick

Lately, I have been doing a lot better…I think.

I’ve been working, writing, drawing again, trying to do more things, feeling really great most of the time.

But I keep feeling something is wrong…I mean besides the part where I am not making enough money yet, and I gained some weight. But regardless, compared to last year, I am doing incredible. The nightmares have shrunk to one every once in a while. Mostly, I function normally and don’t dwell on the past constantly. Am I that shortsighted, that I’ve already forgotten how last year was, that I have already forgotten all I should be grateful for?

I haven’t, I think.

But there is something missing that I can sense very clearly, and it digs at me.

I can’t claim being constantly in pain anymore, or being unable to concentrate. I have developed some faith slowly during this year, so that isn’t it either. Things are starting to fall in place, even as slow as they have. But there is something, the lack of something. I think that may be I lack the intensity of feeling I had before, but that is neither here nor there.

Truth is, I am still living like I am a ghost, unable to have any impact on my own life. Continue reading