This week, I stumble upon the next step in recovery- sort of making amends part. When I broke down in the summer, I was in too bad of a state to be able to handle the work I had, which was for an internship. I had done well on that internship so far, but in the last week of it I had to finish one project, and I was too busy with PTSD, panic attacks and flashbacks, not eating and not sleeping…every time I started working on it, I broke down to pieces, because it was in my major, and it was supposed to be the thing I’m best at, but I felt like a ghost. Here’s the thing though.
I dropped the project and all of it for months. Not saying anything. Just…stopped. Figuring out how to continue breathing seemed more essential at the time.Continue reading →
When I first started recovery, the whole process seemed close to impossible. It seemed I’m trying to get over the biggest most important time in my life, to get over a summer that was hell, that broke me to pieces, and left nothing behind to rebuild over. With time I learned to trust that may be I can get better, overcome it slowly. But it was always about changing myself, it was always about moving so much that I’ll never have time to feel that kind of hopeless, helpless pain of being caught in something over which I have no control and no option of doing anything to change it.
I was trying to overcome the idea of rape and all the other things that happened during this summer. I was never trying to make the summer seem just a bigger moment, because it wasn’t. I was never trying to see the guy as anything but monster, because I couldn’t even think that I will ever be able to do that. Forgiving him was never in the cards. I broke down, went through and started getting over the rape part. But I never intended to think about him ever again.
But recovery has it’s own timeline and rules, and you never see them until you reach a new step. Continue reading →