So as I said in Mothers and Honesty pt. 1 , that fall while I was getting over the SA, me and my mom kept having fights; all the time.
At certain point it’s so often, that I forget that I always felt lucky about my parents. I forget that my mom raised me to be her friend and tell her honestly things whatever they are. I forget that just because they have had a rough life doesn’t mean I have to protect them from the bad sides of mine. Somewhere between trying to protect my family from everything bad that ever happened to me, and my own inability to handle the rough patch that I am going through, I forget how to be honest with my mom.
But there’s nothing like SA to give you the sense that you have to protect yourself – at all cost.
Having had that happen from someone you trust gives you the uncontrollable feeling that you don’t know whom you can trust with what anymore. If protecting yourself means being a little distant from your family-so what? If it means somehow getting colder and distant with your friends and never truly letting them in – then that’s what you have to do. It’s not a conscious thought of course. But that is what you do.
And after a while, I stop remembering why I’m fighting with my mom.
I just get angry.
All that was 3 years ago. By any counting, I thought it doesn’t matter. After I went back to university, and I got back to my regular life, we slowly stopped fighting as often. Since then, I always felt that we lost some part of the closeness we had. I told myself that it was okay. Sometimes you grow apart with your friends, or your parents. It’s not like there’s anything I can do about it, I told myself, so I have to just get used to it.
I was never quite as honest again. I started not telling my mom what I buy with my money because I thought she would judge. I stopped telling her when I had bigger problem, because I was afraid that adding to their problems would be too much – for her and for me. Sometimes, I vaguely regretted how things were, but the most part I was pretty content with just letting the subject go.
And then I came to this stage of recovery.
There wasn’t any big revelation about it or anything such. It’s not like in movies. For the most part, I don’t think I considered much what I’d say or how.
It started few weeks back, when I went to my first full gyno check up since the SA- which of course freaked me out big time until I went to it. But that is another story that I’ll tell you all soon. The thing is, there was a slight idea that I might have hormonal imbalance from stress (well, jee, I wonder how that happened?) and I had to do extra blood test. I was telling my mom about the exam and was almost sure I won’t tell her about the blood test until it’s done…
But then I just blurted it out. It just felt right, it felt like may be it would be okay to do it.
My mom surprised me by being completely calm and cool about it.
That wasn’t fully a step or anything, towards honesty, but it made me smile. May be the problem has been more in me I thought. And if I was someone else, someone better, someone more calm and collected, may be I would use that opportunity and start being completely honest again. But I’m only human; and what I had done to our relationship was so irreversible that I let it go. No sense to go back.
I had to enjoy the at least not-so-rocky warmer relationship we had now.
And then I went home this weekend, and I surprise myself.
First I share with my mom that I am looking to may be buy certain things, or get craft supplies or something like that. Admitting to planning to spend any money out of what I can’t live without was something I hadn’t done in a while. I’m not certain even why. But it wasn’t that I didn’t mention what I purchased while I was away. It was that when I was back home and happened to buy anything when I went out, I always hid it from my mom. I don’t know what makes me choose to say things this time, but my mom takes it like a normal thing. Somewhere during those few years I’ve forgotten that I am not a kid anymore and I don’t have to hide the things that I think my mom won’t approve. I never hid those things as a kid- it still baffles me that I started hiding them now.
That guy had somehow made me feel smaller that dirt on the road. It made me feel like the worst version of myself, and like a bad person. And somehow on the way to trying to avoid seeing that side of me, I became it. I stopped seeing that one guy can’t define who I am, and I let him belittle me even long after he was in my life to see any of it. I started closing myself to my friends and family and lying to protect myself, lying because I was afraid, lying because I was ashamed, and punishing myself every day for doing so. And the more I did that, the more I became that bad version of myself. It didn’t matter that I did those things for what I had thought was a good reason- but I’d let myself run from people, I let myself lie, I let myself betray every principle I had.
I gained what I could of those things during the last years, but I was okay with feeling I don’t have to get it all back.
So this weekend I come back home, having bought 2 things, and I tell my mom about one of them. She takes it perfectly okay, and I wonder why I hid so much until now. Okay, so I don’t tell her both things I got, just one- but it’s a step in a right direction, and we feel closer than we used to be.
I guess just getting better is changing things, however slowly.
So this time, it just felt okay to be more honest.
I’m not a saint and I can’t claim that seeing all that means I’m back to ALL I was before. It’s just another step forward- unexpected one. The best things that are coming back to me now, are those that I have thought were lost forever. Every step counts.
Even the ones we can’t see we have taken.