“Some folks put the bottle down
The day they wake up on the ground
I never drank much but I know how it feels to drown
Trouble out ” -Sweet Talk Radio, Lovesick
Lately, I have been doing a lot better…I think.
I’ve been working, writing, drawing again, trying to do more things, feeling really great most of the time.
But I keep feeling something is wrong…I mean besides the part where I am not making enough money yet, and I gained some weight. But regardless, compared to last year, I am doing incredible. The nightmares have shrunk to one every once in a while. Mostly, I function normally and don’t dwell on the past constantly. Am I that shortsighted, that I’ve already forgotten how last year was, that I have already forgotten all I should be grateful for?
I haven’t, I think.
But there is something missing that I can sense very clearly, and it digs at me.
I can’t claim being constantly in pain anymore, or being unable to concentrate. I have developed some faith slowly during this year, so that isn’t it either. Things are starting to fall in place, even as slow as they have. But there is something, the lack of something. I think that may be I lack the intensity of feeling I had before, but that is neither here nor there.
Truth is, I am still living like I am a ghost, unable to have any impact on my own life.
I do everything again, all I used to do before. I even enjoy it often enough. The pain is gone.
Last night, when I go out for a walk and I run down the hill on the way back with energetic music pumping in my years, I start to feel something.
That one thing I have been missing lately.
I used to walk in exams with a trembling of uncertainty and excitement, but still hoping for the best. I used to be shy with guys, but try to smile at them like I own the world. I used to be scared of many things, but I took chances anyway. I used to listened to music on the way to classes and lit up, filled with the energy of the song. My best laugh lately doesn’t compare. There isn’t that energy, that desire in it. Every morning I try to remember I’m safe and where I want to be and this is my time for changes. I do things, slowly, one by one, I learn like little children do. I stumble through things, and try to do my best in them. But there’s no energy in it, no enthusiasm, like the last 3 years have drained me out of the last of it, and I can’t master anything more that the doing of the thing itself. My joy from a nice day is always mixed with a shadow.
I find a thousand reasons why that is so. They are all faulty, since neither helps me to get over it.
And then yesterday when I run….for a minute I stop feeling like I’m in awful physical shape and can’t run. I stop feeling like I am constantly failing at something. I feel new, excited, energetic, invincible, like the world is mine. Or at the very least, like I can conquer my fears and fight for the things I keep saying I want. Not want them so much that it kills me, and killing myself over tiny details, and stumbling daily. Actually feeling excited- a feeling that has eluded me for more than a year now.
For that run, I have found that missing thing.
I have found that thing I was lacking…it’s myself.
I’ve lived like I’m soulless, and I don’t feel if I inflict pain on myself, or do something bad for my life. I’ve lived, and I still do, like I am a ghost, and I can not give much to my new life. I don’t walk around like I have control, on anything and much less myself. How can I, I am not fully certain who I am anymore… There isn’t life-force in my step anymore, and there isn’t that sense that I own the world in my smile anymore.
There are a lot of ways to die, and this one may be the easiest, just fading and not giving energy to anything.
I don’t want this, and yet I’m not certain how to get out of it…
But today, when I curl my hair, and do my make up to go for a portrait picture, for a minute I feel that feeling again, and I smile. May be it’s like working out. May be I have to train that feeling, that energy, within me. May be I have to train myself to believe again, even when I’m not certain how to do something.
May be I can learn to live again.