To everyone out there,
who has read my blog here or is reading it right now. My last post was at the end of March, and I still haven’t gotten to another one.
I’d been convinced I would have time to write here, as well as in my new blog, which I mentioned in the previous post. Now I know that I have to leave both blogs in order to move forward.
I’ve been going through a lot of changes lately- I moved to another country and I am living with my boyfriend now. I certainly still have what to work out in my past. I doubt any of us is ever really in the clear. Truth is past is a part of us, whether it breaks us to pieces, makes us proud or makes us who we are.
But I have spend the large amount of my last year bleeding out my feelings about my past and working of figuring out ways to recover.
I’ve never before in my life reflected so much, researched so much and did so little otherwise. My life was all about getting out of the whole of my past. I’ve also never in my life been so angry, depressed, hurt and sad as in those months. I still have such moments, but they are now mostly just moments. I know enough about rape now to know that I will have other challenges to face soon. Going for a full check up to the gynecologist, for one…
But the thing is, there are times in our lives in which we have to write about how we feel and reflect, and there are times in which we have to live. It’s my time to actually live, implement changes, do. And those challenges coming my way, I will deal with the old-fashioned way- I will talk to my friends and so on.
I’ve done my fair share of reflection and digging in the ruins of my past.
This blog has in so many ways become something like my safe harbor, something like a family that knows my deepest secrets. It almost hurts to say goodbye, but every part of me knows it’s necessary.
I need to stop looking in my past, and figure out who I am now, in the present.
Sometimes, if you look too much into your past you can get lost in your present, and while me looking back so much was necessary, I did forget to look forwards, too. Now I have to figure out where do I go from here, which will be a whole new adventure by itself.
I’m sad to go, but I know it’s the right move for me. I’m ready to move on now.
I’ve also arranged to do one- on -one depression mentoring to get through my hard moments, but meanwhile, I have to let go of this blog, for the sake of moving forward. Strangely, it feels almost like when you leave home to go to college, bittersweet and incredibly hard.
But I have to go. I’m beginning a new adventure, a new life, with it’s good and hard parts, and I will never fully let myself be in it, until I let go of this part of my life.
To everyone who has been through rape or anything as hard,
my heart goes out to you. I promise you you are stronger than you think and you can work through whatever you feel about it, and build a new life. We are all build to adapt, and we can get through the darkest moments. I know this, because a year ago my life fell apart, yet I am still here, and better than I was before.
Read about rape or whatever you are going through, reach out to others- knowledge may hurt at first, but it will later help you. There is nothing you can read about rape that can make what you are going through worse. Shutting the world out never helps for too long. It’s just a defense mechanism, and as such, we have to let it go after a while. What is a lot more scarier than the most gruesome details of your past, is building them in your head, leaving them in the shadows. What is in the dark is always a lot more scary in our minds. Not that rape is small or easy to get through, in any way. But while it’s in the dark, it’s insurmountable. Light can only help. Don’t be afraid of your dark side, learn to reconcile with it.
And finally, never give up on seeking your dreams and fighting for a better life.
I can not guarantee you will get all of your dreams fulfilled, but I know you will get a lot further, and be a lot happier, if you try.
For now, this is a goodbye from me and good luck to you all.
In a week I will put this blog on private. I’m not deleting it, because it meant a lot to me, but I’m probably not going to write here for a very long time, if ever.
Thank you everyone who has been there for me here, and I wish you all luck with your own recovery.