On SUICIDE thoughts: DOs and DONTs about talking to people having such

So I’m a little bit upset at people in general right now, or may be at the people from my country. I was reading the forum of one women’s magazine of my country(I was looking for one article, and found some topic in the forum), and there was a topic about a girl that wanted to kill herself. She consequently tried, but thankfully nothing happened. There were 12 pages of comments. I’m still on page 2, and already wondering, if I was at the place of that woman(girl? not sure how old she was) whether those comments wouldn’t push me further into it.

Few months back, in a blog I was reading in my native language, a girl admitted to having been raped. In one of the comments someone told her she probably didn’t fight hard enough if it happened anyway, that she probably opened her legs and waited for the guy to finish.

Really, people, think before you say something.

Trauma, depression, cutting or desire for suicide are not a joking matter.

What they told the girl that was talking about suicide:

1. Don’t do it- everything will be fine, it’s not worth it to throw your life away for this

If you are really thinking about suicide or hurting yourself, you will know- it’s not fine, things are not fine and they won’t be fine. People can’t understand. Someone telling you things will be fine will just make you sure they don’t understand how serious things really are.

2. Think about your parents, your friends, what pain you are going to cause them

If you are in such pain, that you are thinking about ending your life, I would guess that you are in too much pain that thinking about your loved ones won’t be enough. You could even think that they will be better off without you.

3. Get it together. Your generation is full of spoiled kids that want to throw their life away over one relationship. START USING YOUR BRAIN.

Yes, that’s what they said. If you really want to kill yourself, I doubt people telling you you are spoiled and stupid will help. More likely it will just push you even further towards ending your life. If you are thinking about it already, you’re at an edge, very small things can push you over.

4. I knew a person in a wheelchair living alone, who was happy to talk to me because no one was talking to him. He made it 18 years without killing himself. Get yourself together, your situation is a lot easier, if he can you should be able to.

That’s like saying someone in abusive relationship, but you know, there are starving people in Africa. Yes. Thank you. That helps with getting the c**p beaten out of me on daily basis.

Here’s how that would possibly make you feel: like people are making your problem smaller. That what’s so hard for you that it makes you feel like the world is ending is nothing.

Seriously? And those were the nicest things I read there. Here’s what they could have said:

1. Ask her WHY

It took me few pages of comments until I actually started understanding why. The first post only said she is desperate and wants to kill herself, because she had fight with her boyfriend. How can you comment on someone seriously wanting to hurt themselves without knowing why? Telling them that’s stupid is disregarding their feelings. Feeling, that are so deep that they feel like ending everything- how can you even do such a thing, it can push the person over to actually do what they are saying they will.

2. Offer CONSTRUCTIVE advice

Suggest the person they can talk to you about how they feel, or that they go to a friend or a therapist. If they have made a topic about it, then they are looking for help, they still don’t want to really do it, but they see no other way. Help them FIND another way, don’t push them even more.

3. Think before you speak

Granted, you may think that ending relationship isn’t enough of a reason for suicide, but think for a second. Don’t call the person stupid! Again, that’s disregard for their feelings.

You don’t know the situation. It could be just the relationship, but people rarely get to thoughts of suicide in 1 minute over something small.You don’t know what happened, you don’t know what led to it.

It’s usually a build up of a lot more things until you start feeling things are bad enough for SUICIDE. Before you judge someone thinking about it, stop, and ask them how they feel and why, and try to suggest something they can do for that situation instead.

It’s one thing to say something offensive to someone you know. But if you are aware someone is in a bad situation- trauma from something, depression, or desire to cut themselves/kill themselves/hurt themselves- first make sure you know the situation, and then comment. And still, count your words before you do.

It can be a forum and you may be commenting to unknown to you person, but that 1 comment may be the one that pushes them over and they really end their life. Would you really want to be responsible for that?

If you are thinking of suicide, you are in very fragile state already. All words, even those of strangers, can make HUGE impact.

Small note to people who are looking for help in forums/blogs/web:

don’t post just anywhere. Find a forum that is serious on the topic that concerns you and where you will find constructive opinion and actual support.

When I was struggling with my SA issue, the first thing I stumbled upon thankfully was a forum in recoveryourlife.com and I found a lot of support there. It was about 4 months after the rape happened. I don’t know what I would have done then if someone had told me that I probably just opened my legs and waited for the guy to finish. Probably would have felt ashamed, humiliated, and like I want to cut my skin. Thankfully I only saw that comment 3 years after, when I was well enough to get angry about the person that said this to a woman that has been through enough already.

Speak your mind, but think before you do! WORDS have IMPACT.

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3 thoughts on “On SUICIDE thoughts: DOs and DONTs about talking to people having such

  1. Jessie says:

    Very nicely said, and thoughtful advice. By the way, what a fun new blog theme! I hope it reflects a lightness in your life, dear friend.

    • Thank you…I got really mad at all the insensitive people in that forum, so I had to write it. Thanks for the comment on the theme:) And yes, it does reflect a bit of a new stage in my recovery. Things are still complicated and hard, but they are starting to fit more and more. A lot has changed since the summer, and the other theme started looking too dark, and not anymore feeling like me:). How are you Jessie, I’ve missed you?
      Hugs, A.

      • Jessie says:

        Good on you. The world is full of insensitive people, so it is good to hear someone speak out against it, sensitively. : ) I’ve missed you too. And yet somehow, I know you are still there, working hard and living life beyond trauma. I am doing well with becoming my true identity offline and in my new blogs. It is sad to think of letting go of “Jessie” and yet as time goes on, it seems more like a most natural thing to do. I’m getting there slowly. Big hugs to you, strong kind friend!

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