This week, I stumble upon the next step in recovery- sort of making amends part. When I broke down in the summer, I was in too bad of a state to be able to handle the work I had, which was for an internship. I had done well on that internship so far, but in the last week of it I had to finish one project, and I was too busy with PTSD, panic attacks and flashbacks, not eating and not sleeping…every time I started working on it, I broke down to pieces, because it was in my major, and it was supposed to be the thing I’m best at, but I felt like a ghost. Here’s the thing though.
I dropped the project and all of it for months. Not saying anything. Just…stopped. Figuring out how to continue breathing seemed more essential at the time.
I was supposed to finish the rest at home and send it by email, but I couldn’t, and I thought I don’t deserve being excused for it, so I never apologized. I needed the documents from that place to graduate, but I couldn’t bring myself to neither finish the project, nor ask for forgiveness. I worked on the project in small chunks of time(7min, at some point), that felt like they would almost kill me.
And yesterday I met with my supervisor, after having finished the project 2 weeks ago, sent it to her and explained briefly the reason why I never sent it(I told her about the SA-I thought after all she deserved to know).
She wasn’t mad at me, she didn’t yell, she didn’t refuse talking to me or said they didn’t owe me anything since I didn’t finish my job, as I had imagined when I was wondering how to face her.
She asked me how they can help my to finish the documentation faster, and she said the most important thing for me is to be healthy.
It struck me.
I’ve waited, I tortured myself over this for months, I judged myself over every little detail for months, and yet she was so quick to forgive me, to try to help me.
I realize at once 2 things:
I’ve been given a second chance. And I’ve worked on myself so much in these months, I’m almost ready to face the next chapter of my life, I want it. I can have a great life, regardless of the past, and I want that.
And second…it’s not about me redeeming myself to others, or just getting over my past…I have to redeem myself for myself, so I don’t punish myself in such ways, and torture myself over things I can just resolve. I have to find a way to forgive myself and respect myself enough to solve my problems rather then punish myself for making mistakes in a first place.
Even knowing that it doesn’t feel easier.
Forgiving myself for all that went down that summer, it’s harder to comprehend, even if the rape part and some other things haven’t been exactly a choice. But I have to work on this, to get to a healthier life.
I’m much better than I was, but this moment, it lets me know this simultaneously, along with the overwhelming knowledge that I have a lot more to work on.