“Right now, you aren’t making difference between fantasy and reality.” I look at the counselor, not so convinced.
The reality of what happened, it’s engraved in my memory, in every scar on my skin, in every night I wake from nightmares. What does she know?
That was 2 years ago, when I went to a counselor, to get help so that I wouldn’t want to drink all the time anymore. It helped, even though I never told her that the main reason that I want to drink is the broken memories I had of my rape, and trying to move on as if it never happened.
People are learned constantly that we need roots. Familiar things. That in a hard situation you have to try to contain your life in normal routine. When we get into a situation which is hard but we have no control over, we hold onto what we know, until the storm passes.
But no one tells you what do you do if the storm doesn’t pass.
Let’s rewind a bit.
I look for job, every place there that I can think of, but there’s nothing. Even when I get job, I keep being out of money. I know that I can’t make much more in that situation, but I have come to make money to pay for my university, not to barely survive. Since the rape, all I have known has been taken and ripped apart- so I can’t loose the reason I have come in a first place- then it would all have been for nothing.
When I get my paychecks, I keep affording more things than I shouldn’t, like occasional meal out, or a shower gel I don’t particularly need.
I say to myself, I have faith, I’ll find a job. Buying things that I shouldn’t, it’s just showing my faith that soon I’ll have second job and it will all be okay.
It’s a month before I have to get back home, when I spend 30$ on craft materials for making jewelry.
I do it as a last resort to actually making enough money instead of just surviving.
I barely spend my last 30$, just for the basic tools and supplies, and I can’t afford buying more. I have never made jewelry. All I knew was from the brief looking at magazine pages in jewelry beading basics while in the crafts store, and I was sure I had it all figured out. I didn’t have computer or internet. I had no knowledge or place to sell things.
But I’ve fallen in love with jewelry, and it seems like my last hope.
I convince myself I’m creative enough to figure it out against the odds. And if I was better at approaching people, and I wasn’t as afraid of them, may be I would have sold the few simple things I did make. And if I have had internet, I could learned to make some better things in the nights.
But I had
none of those things. All I had was the blind determination that I HAVE to find a way to make this work.
Looking for job til I couldn’t walk, trying to be creative and make things to sell, anything short of stealing or committing a felony, I have tried that summer, and it all failed. And by extension, I kept going forward after, but every effort I made in anything hard, was doomed to fail.
I just knew, it doesn’t matter if you try til you bleed, you’re just doomed to fail anyway.
Back home in one piece, even emotionally wrecked, I make online store for jewelry. I start learning about making jewelry. For real this time.
I want this, so I can’t do anything else job-wise, but I’m too desperate and hurting to try. I keep planning to do things the next day, and then the next, and then the next. The actual making isn’t happening. I tell myself I’m busy with classes, which is true, but that isn’t why I don’t do a lot. I take my friends wanting to check out the store as criticism to how little I’m doing- I know I’m doomed to fail, they know it too, but they just can’t get that I have to try anyway. What is happening to me?, I ask myself, but answering that question would nearly kill me, so I block it out. Life is normal. Really, really normal.
And til recently, I believe that. That people were trying to stop me from doing the store. That I tried and did everything right that summer, but was doomed to fail. That every effort I was putting in anything from now on is doomed to fail.
I’m not saying that it was all a complete failure. Even starting in this way, jewelry found a way to stick into my life.
Now, I am finally actually making more and more jewelry. I am having some side income from it, and hoping to eventually turn it into a full living. So in a long run, I’m happy I stuck to it.
I could have done a lot in those 2 years, instead of dealing with nightmares and twisted understanding that all I do is doomed to fail.
I have prevailed, now, almost, and I’m glad for that, but understanding all this leaves a really bitter taste in my mouth.