Yes, I know.
I haven’t been around lately. Well, for me, that has been quite a vacation. I would guess for most people the celebrations at the end of the year are one of 2 things-a chance to rest and have proper vacation or a stressful week where they have to worry about meeting family they aren’t close to or be completely alone knowing that everyone else is out celebrating in some form.
For me, it was neither. It was a strange resting point in the middle of the turmoil of that past half year.
For the past months, after a long road of self-preservation, resting and uncovering the dirt of my past over and over so that I can reinvent myself, things slowly start getting better. But then something small goes bad again, and I’m not that good at dealing with it yet.
My dream of moving in to another country with my boyfriend in his city started to seem further and further like a dream that fades slowly with time. Very slowly, and yet over months, it equated to a lot. I saw him and talked to him daily, yet the idea of actually moving started seeming so far that it was untouchable.
Unlike him, I had not foreseen how much more resting, tears, self-examining would go into recovery. Perhaps not seeing it was a form of survival instinct- had I known, going through it would have been even harder. So I had become blind to the concept of tomorrow and consequently to seeing my dream come true and putting ALL my efforts into it. I couldn’t do that.
And so, I don’t look forward to the celebrations. I have nothing that much to celebrate. But then I get unexpected gift from him- a ticket to come visit him for a week around New Years. We both need this, badly.
Foreign Countries, New Experiences
Visiting another country has always been a very special inspiration point for me. I always expect it and look forward to it the way kids look forward to candy and gifts.
The new experiences, the new culture, they always bring me to a new understanding of who I am, or a new dream, they help me grow. I have been to my partner’s country, but I have been a guest. Now I move half of my luggage there, I’m going around on my own, I have a new phone number. It’s scary and exciting. But being here, besides bringing me the relaxation I had needed for a long time also brings me unexpected feeling- the one that I can actually belong there. That I fit so much easier than I anticipated.
I do bring work with me though- because I plan to work a bit while there, and because new places are the perfect motivation for work you have given up on. And since all work is harder than it should be these months, that’s the perfect chance for clearing out all projects. I plan my next year, I relax, I have truly GOOD time without any shadows, for a first time in a loooong time. It’s a bliss.
As the days go by I become more and more restless. Everything around me, all this new world, it’s pushing me forward, but I have been so busy in it I have forgotten I still have issues to work on. Something is pulling me back, and I can’t even name it yet, but it starts to really bother me.
I’m getting my dream…so why am I so worried and restless?
Is it that I haven’t given enough time to recovery? Am I not ready yet?
And then I realize…it’s not that. Of course, I’m partly overwhelmed.
I guess that is so with everyone who is at foreign country for longer. Sometimes you feel like a whole new world is opening in front of you…and at others, you feel completely nostalgic to get back to your old world, even with all of it’s shortcomings.
Regardless. I’m not afraid of that feeling. What makes me restless is the feeling of this new world slipping through my fingers. I still don’t have full faith in myself and my new life, I guess. But I have some, which is not what I would have said few months back.
And now, a part of me feels that the moment I leave here, the moment I start worrying about finishing things again, the moment I’m home and working on all the last things I have to do before I can move- it will be forgotten. That once being home I will forget all that I have learned here and let my problems swallow me again. I can’t let that happen.
Which would usually make me want to go into work full speed when I am back, to keep the experience, to make sure I don’t lose out on anything…but I can’t afford that now. I haven’t yet gotten to a 16-h a day work point. I have to leave space for relaxing, space for recovery….and I’m afraid that in this space, all my old worries and concerns will grow back. I want to not let them, I’m determined not to…but a part of me isn’t so sure I guess.
So I’m having the best time with the celebrations, but at the same time, pulled back and forth between my old and new life, between reinventing myself completely, or being sucked into problems I can’t solve again.
I guess it should be my choice.
Either way, even with all this, I’m happy, and I’m glad. Because now., at least, I DO have good times without shadows, I DO get dreams that are brighter than my problems sometimes.
And that’s about all anyone can ask for after such year.