Beneath the surface of all storms is the real part. The part with all that is quiet, all that is left unseen and all that is true to our real nature. We would like for things to be clear cut and black and white, but that is impossible. And we have to dig deeper until we get to the truth- the real truth of something. Truth isn’t fair or unfair, good or bad. Truth is like water- translucent, elusive, and always just a little deeper than you can see from the surface.
I spend a lot of time in the past months working on how I felt, and still, sometimes my past had pretty convenient way of creeping back into my life. And all this time- after the beginning of course- I found some comfort in the thought that I was doing my best to recover as fast as I could. And every once in a while, I was convinced, I was not doing even close to my best.
And every time, somehow finding a way to get through the storm, thinking about the fact that I am clearing things up as I go.
Which one was true? Was I doing my best? Or not nearly close?
Neither I guess. Both. After blogging today I realize a different truth creeping up on me.
I have been going for the day, making my best. I have been going through my past, I have been taking long walks-mostly for need to do something. But other than that?
I was freaking out at every tiny problem(still almost shocked I haven’t gotten a heart attack at that rate), leaving everything in mess, eating whatever, definitely not taking care of myself. Future is such further thing that most days I can’t even think of it. Work is impossible. So that was my best at the time. I don’t take proper care of anything, but, at least I’m not making things worse by drinking or cutting or any of the other things that I really wanted to do each time I was hurting. I only can’t control the need to watch TV, but it could definitely have been worse.
Now that I occasionally do even close to the regular 8 hour of work daily, and when I spend a day in bed sometimes I start to feel unsettled, now is the time to really try. Try to take care of myself. Try to be better in my efforts to work. Try to stop having days spend completely in bed.
I want to eat better. I want to do more work.
I want not to be behind on deadlines anymore.
I want to try new things occasionally and leave behind things that I leave hurt me- like the ones I feel guilty about instead of resolving them. It’s the hardest thing that I have done, still…but now…
Getting through the hard blog posts, and the hard memories, it still rattles me, and I need to process- but for an hour. I’m not completely paralyzed for the whole evening forward.
On the surface, I’m still the girl that hasn’t worked for 6 months for no good reason. But now, I’m not just waiting for the storm to pass. I’m also going forward. And I know, with every new day I’m closer to getting out of this, even by a step.