Lessons Unlearned pt.1

Note: That may be triggering, but I’m not sure. I may have to write it in 2 posts, so the first 1 may be okay.

For that summer, I am like a person with no learning curve at all. Every time I try something- finding job, getting better- something happens and I’m back down again.

I have no memory of that night at all, besides the beginning and the end, and I push that out of my mind in pursuit of finding a job and keeping my sanity at the same time. I’m like a broken clock, I remember and then forget again, and find good ways to explain all strange things and black holes in my memory.

There is no such luck.

Nevertheless, I keep looking. And somehow keep resenting that guy from my house, and avoiding him, and feeling stupid for not being able to pinpoint why I feel this way. The strange bruises fade and I very successfully manage not to think where they had come from. I put the clothes I was wearing then in a bag, and stash them away, so I don’t think about what happened to the zipper. Out of sight- out of mind.

From that night I have started avoiding joining the people from the house when they hang out and make parties. I see in their looks that they think I’m weird or odd for doing that, but I don’t care. I just have this feeling in my gut that I don’t like any of them and see no reason I should be there. Every once in a while they try to invite me again.

Every once in a while he comes to invite me or with some other request- to borrow something etc. I always tense up and feel like throwing up. I don’t like him, what is so wrong with that?

So there is this one night he comes to my door again, and asks to come in. I feel panic but I don’t know why I’m panicking. I have no objective memory that would make me think I shouldn’t let him in. It’s a tiny tiny room, and I get claustrophobic, but again- I have no reason, I assure myself, for that. What is wrong with me? I shouldn’t judge people prematurely.

I climb on the bed(the room is too small for chairs, and so the bed is couch too, kinda) and he sits on the edge.

“About what happened” he says apologetically, and I feel the fear starting red lights again. “I’m sorry. I hope you know I would never intentionally do anything you don’t want to. I thought you wanted it too. I could be naked in the bed with you and I still wouldn’t do anything you don’t want.”

I freeze.

What is he talking about???

He’s getting closer, and I move backwards on the bed until my back hits the wall. “You know, you were pretty amazing.” He leans in to kiss me, and I flinch, but for some reason I am completely paralyzed. It will be easier, says the voice in my head, it will hurt less if you don’t resist. You know there’s no way out.

Out of what???

“What are you doing?” I try to move away, but he’s already over me before I realize it, and he is too strong to get him off.

“I was thinking” he says, like he didn’t hear me at all. “We can make even better memories this time” He kisses my neck and suddenly what happened last time flashes in front of me. All of it.

I bite my lip. I know I can’t get out of it. Trying last time only made it so much worse. Not a sound. Not a move. I can’t do anything, I’m completely paralyzed.

At some point everything starts to seem like when you look through water, and I’m not sure if I’m remembering last time or experiencing this one, or somehow looking down on myself from aside.

Or may be it’s just a bad dream. May be I will wake up and laugh at it.

All I know is, through the haze of the fog surrounding my brain, it stops hurting.

There is a part of me that knows that once I wake up, there will be no laughing. Not that day. And not for a very very long time.

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