So this has been my least successful and most successful week so far. I pushed myself a little too much and blocked myself from doing more…but at the same time did some work that has been long time coming, work I have been avoiding …well, since I started recovering.
After I admit to a friend the biggest thing I can’t solve and blame myself for now, I feel waves of guilt and shame and relief splashing through me. To my best of an effort I can’t understand how I have turned things around to think that not dealing with problems is helping me function. Although in all fairness, dealing with all I was dealing then, I really didn’t have energy for much more. So now I’m trying. Slower than I would wish for, but it’s better than nothing.
And then it hits me.
My God, how have I twisted my world since that summer. I couldn’t think straight, I was so hurt, why did I think making life-altering decisions then was at all good idea?
That summer, running out of money and chances to make more, I start the online store. But for 2 years in a roll, I refuse to get another job- okay, most time, I don’t have time for such with university- because this is what I want to do, start my own business. And when I do it, it hurts me, it’s painful and slow, and everything I do just hurts. I wanted it with my whole heart and it still hurts.
I keep trying, but I can’t put real effort into it, because it’s killing me, every second, every moment. I can’t breathe when I think about it, it’s like breathing through fire every minute of every day, with the minutes going painfully slow. I also owe money, I need to return them, and yet I can’t. I end up trying to do so from the money for food I have, which leads to bad circle of non-eating and very little returning of debts. And I keep feeling like the worst person in the world. Okay, so I’m not the first person having problem returning debts. But out of that summer, there’s only so much I can deal with, and in efforts to avoid the rest, I make the situation worse.
It’s not that I avoid dealing with it- my mind blocks so much at the thought of anything connected to that summer, that it makes me dizzy, and nauseous, and hurt, and I just push the thought aside- because if I let myself think about it, if I let myself realize what kind of person I have become, dishonest and running away from things, I won’t be able to breathe through the day anymore. I can’t do it. It burns through my whole body, my whole body rejects everything I am, have been or am trying to be. I can’t do it. I avoid it to a such a point I don’t realize what I am even doing.
Okay, I won’t mention the countless times I convince myself to keep going, and that once I return that money I will have the chance to eventually, maaay be redeem myself. That I am still the worst person ever, but that I have to get out of this for all the people that have had belief in me and whose love I don’t deserve.
As I work on my issues with the rape during the summer, some shadows lift off my work, and it gets a little easier. It has nothing to do with it, I remind myself, the rape has nothing to do with how I work, and that is the only memory I process/work on during most of the last year. But it helps somehow, working on it helps me work a little easier. Tiny bit. Like I can finally breathe for a second.
And then yesterday it hits me.
Somehow, I have twisted around my want of independence into that feeling that I am a bad person and so I don’t deserve to return my debts- even before I’m supposed to, I already have that feeling- and that somehow I can’t work properly even on my business, because I know that once I make any money, they will go to resolve debts. And I don’t get to redeem myself- I just don’t. The people I owe money forgive me before I have done that. I can’t forgive myself. And therefore can’t work. It’s a baaad circle.
I’m not sure how I manage to twist the idea of debt as if it’s about me, but I simply can’t work.
I have screwed myself out of being able to work on a job or a business and putting effort into it, by the simple, overflowing feeling that I’m the worst person ever if anyone could do to me what happened in the summer. It shouldn’t be connected, but I have twisted things so well, I can’t even see it.
Even as I find belief enough to work, I cheat myself out of really trying by always feeling there is something more important than it, some other problem I have to solve right now. So I don’t let myself have even an hour a day to really try.
The things untwist and I see all that, and I have no idea how I haven’t seen it before. It’s suddenly crystal clear. Sooo crystal clear that it’s blinding.
I throw up all night, as I throw out bad ideas out of my head like a sickness I have had for 2 years. It’s all so clear to me that night. I’m high on fiver, throwing up all night, but by the morning I have let go of the twisted idea. Time to work.
And working on my store has never felt so appealing before.