Spiraling Out of Control

Today, I’m in a bit of a slump. Okay, so I have been in a slump for couple of days now. It’s one of those inevitable feelings that come along with PTSD and trauma and so on…either that or I am loosing my mind.

Either way, whatever work I touch those few days, it’s destined to fall apart.

I can’t work. I cry, I obsess over things, and I can’t work. Like I have switched the clock and went back few months. I know I got over that phase of recovery, so why do I feel like that again? All I know is, my life has been change after change for months and I still don’t feel like it’s enough sometimes. All the dark shadows of my life, they all wait, lurk in the corners where they belong, until I’m facing a bigger challenge, and then they all come back to hunt me.

I need to change.

I wake up on Saturday morning with that thought in mind, but I don’t know exactly how to change, before I do some work. Work doesn’t come along.

I need to change.

I wake up on Sunday morning with this thought, and the air knocked out of my lungs so much, that I get up too fast, and half-twist my wrist- it still hurts me. I try to do more work, but it isn’t working so I give myself a break. Tomorrow is a day too.

I need to change.

I wake up on Monday with that word screaming from every cell of my body. I try to work, but every min, every attempt comes out with 2 hours of crying. I cry and cry and cry, over and over. I don’t know why I’m crying and I can’t stop myself from doing so. The things I have used before to make myself work aren’t working anymore.

I need to change. 

It’s another day in which I spend a lot of my precious time crying. And every time I try to ask myself why, I start crying again. I find a book I bought long time ago and only read half-way through, about changing your life, and on the prelude to the first chapter, it says, to begin, imagine what your changed life would look like…

I look at the sentence, and then I’m crying again, this time nauseous, and before I know it I’m throwing up…and I just thought I was making progress…

And since I really don’t have enough fluids in me to keep crying, I make tea and have phone conversation with one of my best friends. We talk about work and celebrations. It’s a relief not to think about my problems for a min.

The moment I’m off the phone I think of her progress in her work and life lately, and then there it is again.

I need to change.

Oh, no, I think. I can’t do this more. Then I know. I will work. Tonight. As much as it’s possible. But before I am able to do that, I have to jump start it somehow and I decide to do so by cleaning my email.

I’ve been cleaning it a little at a time occasionally, but since it wasn’t a priority, I didn’t really get to a lot of it.

Now, I decide like with many other stuff, it’s time to figure it out. Today. 1600 emails never deleted it’s just not right. I need to change, and I’m starting with that.

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2 thoughts on “Spiraling Out of Control

  1. cherylz1961 says:

    Hello,
    I am so sorry you slipped back into that awful pit of depression but it sounds like you are climbing back out. I hope you can get through those emails and that you find at least one thing to make you smile today. Blessings to you, hang in there.

    • Thank you so much, I appreciate it:) That day I got only through half of them, but considering that they are 1600 it was still a relief. It’s been a hard week, but I’m making an effort and trying to get back up like always, I got to, right? I have a life waiting for me.
      Hugs, A.

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