Deep Water

For weeks at a time lately, I have proudly acknowledged every tiny progress I have made in my recovery. Mostly because it reminded me of where I want to go.

Since my last post? Well, I apologized to a friend with which we had falling out since the time I was dealing with the rape(which she doesn’t know about, of course). I did a little work, like, 2 hours of actual work. I studied a bit Spanish, did concentration exercises, meditated and painted my nails. I journal-ed, blogged, read part of a novel, a magazine, and some of a really good book about recovery from rape. I wrote few pages of a new story. I caught up on few emails to friends. Yes, these are tiny things to do in 48 hours, but still, I felt nice and balanced for making good progress.

While I was feeling that I’m setting aside too much time for recovery and guilty to a point of breaking for all the things I didn’t do, I haven’t managed to do a lot. The guilt was too much, and it started eating away at me.

And so I let it go for the benefit of trying to be healthy and take recovery at my own pace. And one simple email reminds me that while I have lived in my own world concentrating on small fights and forgetting there is a world outside moving at a lot quicker pace.

A friend of mine just got promotion at her job. Another friend has a baby, wife and a very demanding job. Meanwhile I’m still struggling at working 8 hours daily again…actually, 6 is about my limit still. On most days I’m happy if I even reach that. Which considering how much I have to catch up on, is way too little.

So now, I send an email to a friend, who I want to see soon, apologizing for not contacting her for months. I tell her I’ve been having a hard time for few months. Sure, she says, I know the first months after graduation looking for job are the hardest. 

I look at the email, feeling the sadness filling me to a point where I feel my head is going to explode. For the most part I’m good at convincing myself that taking things slowly is the right thing to do, but suddenly, it feels very, very wrong. Here is a record of what I could have done in past 6 months, but felt unable to:

– I could have found a job and saved some money

– I could have easily passed beginners level in a new language

– I could have gotten in perfect shape

– I could have applied for master’s degree

– I could have taken more than 1 internship

– I could have volunteered abroad

– I could have expanded my online business to a fully working one

But since we are not playing a game of could have, I have to face the truth of where I stand. I look her email again. Oh, how I wish my problems involved normal things.

I can never tell her why I have mostly not done anything for 4 months, job-seeking or otherwise. We aren’t that close. I can never catch up with the outside world fast enough to really HAVE anything solid to tell her. Yet I have to keep doing what I have to do to recover.

This is a bit too big of a thought for me to comprehend. I don’t like either resolution I can make. It’s simply not enough. So, I ask myself over and over again, what now?

And while I try figuring it out, I spend a day in bed. This is just too much to deal with along with working, and unlike any other day, I can not see enough in the future to remind myself I can do this. I chalk it off to the day being Sunday  so that I can try not feeling guilty for taking the day off. I think again. What now?

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2 thoughts on “Deep Water

  1. Jessie says:

    “Oh, how I wish my problems involved normal things. … Yet I have to keep doing what I have to do to recover.”

    Hey there seekingafrica. Your words really sum up the situation. I wanted to encourage you to remember that the work that you are doing to heal is harder than all of those other things that ‘could’ be done instead. I’m just starting to put together some words that I can say to those who don’t know me, now that I have told my story to those who can listen. The words for those who can’t listen seem to come later. Sounds like you had a really busy day, and it is good to sleep after doing a lot, especially with new information about rape to process.

    You’re an amazing lady. The determination to seek your dreams is like climbing a mountain, it has problems that those who live on the flat land do not understand, and have never seen. I see your healing journey as part of climbing the mountain of your dream. It is tough going, and there are risks, and sometimes it is unknown which way to go next to keep going up toward the summit. And sometimes after a day of climbing in difficult conditions, exhaustion sets in and a big sleep is required.

    Keep it up, it is something special to know that someone else is right here, choosing to fight the hard battle of healing after trauma.

    Jessie.

    • Hey Jessie,
      thank you for the encouraging words, they really brightened my day! Things have finally been changing a lot lately, but sometimes the regret for not yet catching up with the outside world still gets to me…
      I know when I’m out of this I will finally have the life I want, but it’s sometimes hard to keep my eyes on the price. Especially when to everyone BUT my closest friends I have mostly done nothing for the past 6 months. So I’ve been having ups and downs every second day lately, and this is one of my downs. I’m trying to change that:).
      Trying to change my life has pretty much been as challenging as …not as, more, more than any job I could have had. Some days I have no clue how to keep going, some days come naturally…i guess the best I can do is keep trying….
      Warm greetings, Atlanta

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