Recovery Alphabet: Q for Question

“But I’m not the same. I can’t be the same.”

That’s the sentence coming to my lips every time I get overwhelmed with the recovery lately. Never once do I ask myself what would it mean for me if I am not the same. I’ve been struggling in my own way with the notion of change.

I have done the hardest emotional part of recovery, and I finally have energy to do something different…but I have no clue what that should be.

I mean I have the lists and all, that I have made in moments of desperation, with all the things I need to change. But when it comes to actual doing, they all seem too big, too hard. Because yeah, I have changed, I have more energy…but I’m not there yet. I can do some things…all of them just make me feel overwhelmed and panicked.

But then I realize. This is what we do as grown ups- we forget how to really accept and question facts. If you say to a grown up you got divorced, they will tell you they are sorry. A kid would probably ask why. Kids ask about everything. Somewhere on the way of growing up we forget how to do that. We take as granted having to do the job we have, be with a certain person or break up, do the things we do.

We don’t question facts. We accept them. The wrong way.

I don’t know how to live without that person.

I can’t lose all the weight I gained in 1 night.

I can’t do more than this.

I’m not the same.

I have to relearn everything.

Everything is a mess
…

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Here is a radical thought: use the old prayer. Accept what you can not change from that, change what you can, and then think about what is next. Question what is next. You may not get a clear idea, but eventually you will.