When I started out this blog, I went deeply into research of the issue (i.e. rape, depression, PTSD) and I was trying to encompass everything. Taking care of emotions, going through memories, understanding my reactions, taking care of myself physically, and doing my work.
In other words, I was doing what every busy adult has understood to be a faulty concept- the one that you can do all you want to do in all aspects of your life.
Even work aside, I was in over my head.
So I started playing it by ear.
I concentrated on recovery, and did tiny parts of each other thing in my life, remembering occasionally the most important thing I had tried learning in university. Saying no.
Not only to other people, but to myself too. We only have a certain amount of energy to use on things, bigger on smaller depending on the period of our life, but yet limited still. We mostly always want to do more than we are capable.
I had listened to an acquaintance babble on about his fancy apartment in minimalist style. I listened out of pure boredom, and with slight annoyance, but then it got to me.
Life- balanced one anyway-should be a little bit like a minimalist apartment, I thought. Or my version of it anyway. That limited energy, if you spread it in too many directions, you are spreading yourself thin. You will neither achieve a lot, nor be satisfied because you haven’t done enough about anything.
So here is my revision on doing everything all the time.
You only have energy for one big thing at a time, in your life. Your classes when you are in university (or parties and socializing, depending on which type of person you are), your child when you first have it, your job when you are trying to get a promotion or to pay off debts, and so on, and so on.
For the past 5 months, my priority has been my recovery. Turning every stone, working only to get through the day and through the aftermath of what happened to me.
Slowly things have gotten better. A tiny bit here and there, good things occasionally, feeling better sometimes, regaining old things, meeting new people. It has been a re-learning experience of sorts.
And it’s a process I am in no way done with. I have tons more to learn. I have so much more to figure out.
But finally, I’m out of this part. As I regain pieces of my old life, it gets harder and harder to write here. My concentration is separated, and I am not anymore sure which should be the main part of my days.
Until this week. Because I know, finally. I know it’s time.
I have done the biggest, hardest part of recovery. Now I have to fit the rest of it in my spare hours. But the main part of it has to be my dream. Working on my online store. My main energy, my faith, my concentration, it’s time it goes on that mainly.
And around it, I can put tiny pieces of other things. Tried to get good balance of seeing friends, getting a bit of workout, drawing and writing, etc., and still working on my recovery in late hours of the night.
But the rest, the main part, it has to be about my dream now.
This is the reason I have worked so hard only on emotions and memories for months, to get to this place today. To be able to fight for my dream. Now it’s time I try.
Positive: Yesterday, I go buy a store for jewelry that has hand-crafted things, and suddenly, for a first time, get the courage to ask if they take on new things. The woman promises to look at my things later this week. It’s not much, but it’s a chance, and I’m planning to make the most of it.