“What little girls are made of…”

“…gunpowder and lead.”

I haven’t been here more than once a week for the past few weeks- too lost to even write, trying to start a new life- but now that I’m back, it’s hard to stop myself.

Even though the story from the song isn’t exactly my story, this is one of the most powerful songs about abuse I have heard. I love the lyrics, they always made me feel powerful.

One of the worst things in abuse is feeling like a kid that has done something wrong. Like you are being punished, diminished, and there’s nothing you can do.

But kids or now, we are powerful. And all of us who have known any kind of abuse  in our lives, we might struggle, but we will still end up powerful again.

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One thought on ““What little girls are made of…”

  1. Jessie says:

    Atlanta, this is very revealing. I had to have company to watch the music video, and my intuition was correct. It is expressing a lot of anger… It reminds me of my girl when she was three, beating up on the big teddy bear, and biting its nose so vehemently that even I became scared of the ferocity of this anger. (It was about the ‘punching pillows’ concept to release anger. I adapted it to help my kids deal with the anger at their dad for leaving us, etc.)
    I was not remembering going through this, then suddenly it came back to me. It was from about 10 years ago now. I went through a huge amount of anger. I have very strong values that prevent me from thoughts of shooting people. However, I do remember the punching bag… There was a guy who lived next door who let me use his almost human sized punching bag. I kicked and punched that thing daily. It still wasn’t enough to get all the angry energy out. I desperately needed an outlet, or else I would get really grumpy and loud with my little kids. So I came up with the idea that I needed a *constructive* way to release my destructive feelings. I *dug.* I dug so many big garden patches. The force of that great sharp metal spade chunking into the earth was really satisfying. Later, I massacred hedges, when we moved to a place with hedges. Felt a bit like Madame Guillotine, chop chop chop!! I could imagine anything I liked while chopping. Indoors, I would put music on and ‘dance’ to a hard fast beat and use plenty of kicking and punching movements. Everything was about big movements, fast hard action, and expressing my “destructive feelings” in a positive way, such as “I feel angry.” It took years to work through it. Dealing with the locked away memories was a great help with defusing the anger. Also, I ended up preferring to sleep than to get grumpy with my kids. The brain needed to rest and heal. Bible studies helped me to get a grip on understanding why the world is the way it is, and how to accept it without becoming part of it.

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