Lately, I’m living 2 lives. I have done that before, I have. Only then, I was living my real life- job, classes and friends and all that, dreaming about a life I couldn’t get, because I thought I was damaged forever. And those 2 lives, the made cracks in me, and in those cracks I began to look back in the past, and I couldn’t be in denial anymore.
I am starting to live 2 lives again, only this time, it isn’t a bad thing. Things in life are always the same, but it depends on where we are coming from how we are going to view them. Last time I was lost. May be looking back at the past wasn’t such a bad thing, because I needed to do it, but it did hurt. All these time, 2 years, I kept thinking, I didn’t have faith. I lost my faith, I lost my ability to dream.
I didn’t lose my ability to dream. I always knew exactly what direction I wanted to take, and felt no remorse for taking it, even when it was hard. Now, even in my worst moments, even when I couldn’t make sense of things, I still knew what direction I want to take. I just couldn’t do it.
That wasn’t loss of faith. That was loss of life force. That was depression. I knew what I wanted, I knew what I had, I just had nothing in me to give to that dream. I couldn’t fight for it. It takes a long time, to repair the damage that summer did to me, and the damage I respectively did to myself in turn, trying to deny that new world access to what was left of me. I’m a dreamer, I always had a dream. I always gave everything for my dream. And now, now I just had nothing more to give. I was drained. I was done. I could spend hours planning what I should do to make it happen, but I had no life force to act on it. I barely had life force to move through the days as it was.
But you can’t fake a real dream. You can’t fake faith.
The aftermath of traumas
You just wander around, lost and all, you look, and you try. And you lose yourself, and fall, and look again. But some things can’t wait for you to get to your dream. Some things you have to do by yourself. It takes a lot. It takes trying. I have been trying. I researched all I could on PTSD and depression and abuse and rape and all that. I researched how to deal with it. I tried to do my best. And somewhere along the lines, my life got filled with going through memories I didn’t dare to remember before, finding how they have changed me, finding out who I am now, in this new light. There was one thing I knew for sure, and that was that I was changed to my core.
Only before I couldn’t let that change surface, so I pushed it down. But nightmares have a way to resurface, and by pushing the change down, I was only feeding mine. And now I know I have to take my time and recover properly. If you fall down and break your leg you give your leg a rest until it recovers. So why is it that if you get abused you don’t give yourself a rest to recover, and assume you just have to dive right back into your old life like nothing happened?
I won’t do that anymore. So I’m living that part of my life. I dropped everything I was doing, and started recovering, It took a lot of setbacks, and giving up, and crying, and thinking, and trying again. But eventually, you are almost recovered and start getting into your old life. But there’s something different. I graduated, right before I got here. My friends went to different places and countries even. They are starting jobs, relationships. Nothing is the same, so I don’t have going back to my old life. I have a new one to begin. The only left part of my old life is my friends. If I can say one thing throughout this is that I have been lucky, I have been blessed with good friends, who support me, even through this. There are some things they will never understand about this new part of me, but they don’t have to. My partner is always next to me. I have been blessed with friends and family, and I can only regret not having the trust to let them in earlier. But I guess all happens when it’s time.
The art of life. Life of an artist.
I never took being an artist as a career, and I never took my major as a passion. Those 2 years changed me. I saw that life can be bad, life can be horrible. So being scared of who you want to be, it’s not worth it. Bad things happen out of your control. So there’s no sense in holding back with things you could control.
So I knew what I wanted now. That’s how I started my online store.
I want to be an artist. I want to be free of bosses. I want to make my own work time. I want to live a life where I would be happy to get up for work each day. I know it will take time, that’s okay.
But I was too weak to even fight for the life I had, let alone for one I could barely even imagine. No one around me believed it was a viable life choice. Before that wouldn’t have mattered, but it did now.
Regardless, lately something changed. In a week, I began doing things for my store I only though about for 2 years. Making a blog, making a banner, promoting. Every day was slightly different and I was enjoying that. It was starting to open me to a new world. World full of people who did crafts for a living, and created things out of nothing. A world of people who worked at home, and created something on daily basis.
I want to say that because it was my dream it came naturally.
But that’s not true. Each new life-lifestyle- we aim for, it comes awkwardly at first. It takes time to tune ourselves to what that lifestyle really means. I didn’t fit into the university I dreamed for the first year I was there. But I found my place and it became home.
When I start this, I think all it takes for me, is to make online store and create things. But there is promoting, and branding, and connecting to other people living this lifestyle. I work at home, but I try getting up early, I am in home clothes, I work in one place. I forget why I chose this lifestyle. I forget that I can work in my pajamas, or dress up if I like to. I forget that I can work in any room if I like to, work during the night, rearrange things to fit me. This is why I chose to be in this. Freedom. And I’m not realizing I have it.
But lately, I dab at this lifestyle, little, tiny chunks at a time. I try. And with every effort I make, I begin to see a tiny chunk of the life I could have. So I keep trying.
I live between 2 lifestyles, but this time, it’s okay. I need to create, and I need to recover too. Slowly. One day those 2 worlds will merge, but until then I’m taking things slowly. And I’m enjoying finally getting something of this world, that 2 years ago seemed so far, I almost thought I was making it up.
-Something positive- After apologizing to a friend, to whom I promised something I couldn’t keep with, after apologizing to him after I didn’t even call for 6 weeks or even 2 months, I’m weak with relief. So weak I cry. I have forgotten what it feels not to feel like a bad person.
But he forgave me and I’m forgiving myself. So I’m seeing him today, and with this, I have one more friend back. This is a true blessing.