The past week, for a first time, I’m not as drained as lately, and I don’t feel the need to go to bed all the time. The feeling is partly-uplifting, and partly bothering me, and for a while, I do not understand the bothering part. This is the moment I have waited for, for so long- why do I feel more free-falling then inspired?
It takes me a while to get that this is just as hard part of this transitioning part of my life as going through the past. I do finally have the energy to take some control of the situation- something I have craved for a while now- but I also am afraid. I am not anymore afraid of the future- if anything, I have a lot to look forward to. I’m afraid of the now.
This is the hard part. This is the part where I make amends. This is the part where I leave the biggest part of pain behind, and I take a good grip on The Guilt. Having dug through the mud of my hazy pain-drenched and guilt-overloaded memories of that summer, I am out. I finally have the energy to put together the broken pieces of my previous life, and try to create a new ones.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are up to a new chapter in the book of recovery. Depression and denial was a very long and stale chapter, but we moved through it anyway. Abuse and other things: digging in the past, has been much more dynamic, dark and twisted chapter. And here we are today. Next chapter- making amends.
That chapter, seemingly necessary and not so threatening, is one of the most important of them. This is the link between my past and my future. This is the times to keep (and mend) the friendships I have salvaged, try to reconnect with the people I have completely lost touch with, try to fix my focus on doing the piled up work, rather than fixate on the fact of why I have not done it for so long in a first place. And for all these things, there is a lot of guilt to go around, mostly ending up on my head. This is the bitter pill in recovery(or a bottle of bitter pills for that matter)- not anymore scraping to keep my life together after what other people have done to me, but salvaging the pieces of my life from what I, myself, have done to it while filled with pain and anger.
It’s something I don’t want to face, because this is the part where the guilt is completely mine. But after a lengthy consideration(one I didn’t realize I was making), I figure out, I’m finally strong enough to take that bitterness. It’s something I have to eventually deal with, and finally feeling stronger, I know it’s the right moment to do so.
Admitting your own mistakes and dealing with them upfront is a big part of the recovery process. Don’t get me wrong- I’m terrified- but, finally this doesn’t stop me. What are few bitter pills in the promise of brighter tomorrow?