Screams

When there is something important in our lives, something bigger than all we know, it pushes through the walls of our lives. It screams for attention, corroding all the other connections we have build for ourselves, until we are unable to know else. It blinds us from seeing things in perspective and devours all of our knowledge. The things we have known fade and shrink, and blur in comparison, while that one thing screams like an awful spoiled little child, taking it’s toll on our lives.

It grows under our skin and eats up our very being, and while we may not always see it on the surface, we can feel it’s there. And when it has eaten away on our being, only then we want it to stop, only it doesn’t.

By the time a scream reaches the surface the sheer force it gathers is bigger than everything we know. It has build up, slowly, surely, at the place where we haven’t left anything else to grow so far. By that time the scream is so strong that it blocks our thoughts, mutes our hearing, rejects our voice, until we can’t realize there is anything more to life.

By that point, healing is hard, because we can’t fight something so big with a single thought. We need to take our life apart, pick the pieces and connect them again, to allow ourselves to be more. Nice people, nice places, who cares? The noise pulses, pushes to the surface, swallows our understanding of the world, mutates, scrambles our knowledge of things.

Who have we been before now, before then, before the noise? We have pushed all other feelings under water because it hurts too much. But the scream build up of millions of screams over the years can’t be covered up by a moment’s desire for something nice.

Screams are like magnets at the center of our lives. And when we are so drawn to them, and sticking to them, if we realize this isn’t the place for us, we may chose differently. But to do so we need strong will, strong belief. We need to find another center, and build around it, and grow it, until it is big enough to concur the old one. We need to hear its sound and see its colors to know there is something better. Getting to build over is hard, because we have to do it consciously, while screams build in the dark corners of our minds without us noticing. It’s hard because we have to think of every detail, and hear it over the screams, and make conscious choices to get to something better.

In this past 2 months I have pondered over every single detail of that summer, leaving no stone unturned. I cleaned my consciousness, and my memory of all the dirty past gathered in there, and scratched until everything was clean, until everything was squeaky clean, and sore, and bleeding. Every feeling I had pushed down these 2 years had resurfaced and screamed for attention. I got so devoured into that pain I stopped seeing straight. People seemed darker, colors more muted than before. The faith I had was like matches in the dark, minute’s explosions leaving no memory to remind that once I have had a fire in me, keeping me alive and pushing me forwards towards the things I want.

I knew I needed stronger faith that this one, but the pain screaming in me had twisted my view of the world so much, I saw no way to move forward.

Until today.

Until I chose.

I no longer want to live in the dark.

I no longer want to push down my feelings until I can’t avoid them.

I no longer want to live in a glass house, avoiding the outside world, so that I won’t fall again.

I no longer know what I need to do to recover.

It might take thousand things, thousand matches, to regain the kind of faith I have had before.

But through the scream, through the pain, I finally felt something, and I chose.

I want to live.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Screams

  1. I am silent at the moment after reading your blog. It saddens me. I just dont understand some humans and the world we live in. I wish noone ever had to go through what you did. A blog is a good place to get the thoughts and ideas out of your head and you will find this community is non-judgemental and very supportive. I havent come across anyone who hasnt been yet. I find my blog and other peoples blogs comforting for some reason and am glad I found this community. So welcome. Kat 🙂

    • I started this blog as experiment, but I’m finding writing in it very comforting. It’s true, I feel I’m starting to be a part of community of a sort, where everyone has been through something themselves and understand how you feel, and understand and support each other. As far as my blog goes, when I first saw your comment it kind of stricked me as a surprise. Because on the way to being able to even say the word for what happened to me, I needed to shrink it, until it became of normal, daily size to me, to frame it, make it something normal. I understand that while I perceive it as normal, I can’t fully accept it, or move on, but that was the only thing that helped me continue living after that. Even now, I find it hard to deal with that frame. But last night, the frame started breaking. And I think I crossed one more line forward in my recovery. Anyway, I’m very glad to be part of this community, and to talk to all people I have been talking to so far, and meet more of them, such as you:). It seems to be a very healing process, being here, writing my story, reading other people stories. Thank you, Atlanta

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