Journaling: Once Upon a Time…

One of the best summers in my life was a summer abroad, working as a housekeeper and traveling. When I had returned from it, I had started a “memoir” about it, so I would never forget how amazing I felt then.

Last night, as I was sending my boyfriend some pictures from that summer and telling him stories about then, I finally started remembering how I felt then. And realized how differently I saw the world now.

The person who believed everything is possible was gone. I had promised myself to never forget to be true to who I am no matter what. What did I know? I was a kid.

And in few short months, I grew up. Fast.

***

My philosophy was always simple. Find out your passion. Fight for it. Don’t let anything derail you.

And I didn’t. Not when the rape happened. Not after that. Not in the months when I spend at home, crying my eyes out before I managed to somewhat move on. But the fact is, I lost my sense of wonder. Between the PTSD, the depression, and the denial about what happened, I no longer had the energy to truly devote to something. Giving up everything I could to achieve a summer abroad- a summer that broke down everything I was- had thought me that not every price was worth paying, and I no longer was sure if I wanted to find out the price of the life I wished for.

Following a dream when you are afraid of even taking a step is not a winning venture. I couldn’t give up the dream, or follow it, so for 2 years, I was stuck in the middle.

And when yesterday I looked the pictures, for a second they made me see life as I did before. That world from them had looked foreign to me, and I eventually stopped looking pictures, because the slightest try to remember that I had once been happy made me want to cry until I bleed. Because I felt I could no longer be this young, this free, this happy. But last night, for the slightest second, I remembered.

And so I figured, it was time to finish the memoir I had once started. It was time for me to merge the best parts of my former and my current self, and see where it can lead me when I finally see the world as neither fully good nor fully bad, but as it was.

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2 thoughts on “Journaling: Once Upon a Time…

  1. you were robbed but on slow step at a time, you can get it back. sadly it is a fight, and one that we shouldn’t have to be fighting for. xo

  2. Hey, good work on remembering the best of life, however briefly. All the best with your memoirs. I’m starting to feel that I can become a new me, with a new life also. I’ve realised there’s no going back, and that grieving is necessary for the old life. It’s a good feeling thinking of creating a new life though.

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