I was showering today, when my eye was caught by one of the tiles on the floor, which was now, for some reason, broken. I caught myself looking at it for a while like hypnotized, not being able to see anything else from the floor but that broken tile.
Than it occurred to me that lately that is how I have been looking at my life. I picked apart every piece around what happened that summer, to understand, to remember, and eventually- to heal myself.
Only just like with my floor, I lost sight of why I was looking there, and started staring. Just because one tile is broken, doesn’t mean the floor is ruined. Just because something very traumatic happened to you, doesn’t mean you get to feel broken forever.
One day this week I was seeing one of my best friends, and one of the small number of people who knew about what happened to me.
“Do you think I’m different than before? You know, before that?” yeah, we both know what I mean- my recent admission of being raped 2 years ago.
“You are, ” she said “I’m just not sure exactly how.”
I started to wonder. Was it that I was different, in obvious way, was it that I was sure she saw change in me, or was it me feeling that change? I had been actively trying to recover for weeks, and while there was obvious change for better, sometimes I still felt like my life was marked by something too big to heal from.
Healing, of course, is much different than changing a tile. It’s a lot harder and requires a lot more knowledge, effort and courage. But there’s something else though. Just like changing a tile, it’s possible. Is it hard? Of course it is.
But if you take your time and do it right, soon the only one who will know there was a changed tile will be you. Sometimes you can proudly point to that tile, happy you have fixed it alone, or look at it thinking that it’s obvious this part of the floor is different.
But for the most part, after a while even you won’t notice it, and will go on with your life like you usually do. Healing is possible. You have to try to look harder on all the other pretty tiles around, not only the one that is broken. It still needs to be fixed…but never forget you have a whole floor, not just one tile. Never forget that life is much more than one traumatic incident.